One of our Own?

New Home

2006-10-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

I am too tired and frustrated with blogger at this point, I have lost too many posts and sat for hours while the site was down. http://oneofourown.wordpress.com/ Please join me there.

October 15th, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

2006-10-15T21:12:00.000-04:00

Candles lit for our losses, 2 in the back burn in hope for our 2 blasts that are awaiting our FET To all my fellow infertile friends, a prayer for you and your loved losses. I wish our dreams come true and this pain to end. 'Love can make you do things you never dreamed possible...' I got lost, couldn't find my way and I guess there's nothing more to say love can make you blind, make you act so strange but I'm here and here I will stay So everyday I cry yes everyday I fall do you ever wonder why, why I love everything about you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep we will It picked me up, knocked me off my feet I've got no way to explain still I love you, love you, love you but this fire inside will never see the light of day So everyday goes by and everyday I fall it makes me wonder why, my life's worth nothing without you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'cos every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep, we will You'll never know, no, no, no,no,no you'll never know just how close we were you'll never know, no, no, no,no,no you'll never know no you'll never see The book closes and we try to forget but I know that things won't change how we feel, how life goes on and that seems so strange And so the light fades away try, try, try as I may I can't stop thinking about you it seems my life's worth nothing without you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep, we will Everyday, everyday you know I try so hard everyday, everyday it gets a little harder - Everyday - Phil Collins

Ugh!

2006-10-10T16:05:00.000-04:00

There is no word in the english language better fitted for my current state of disaster. It would appear that I am indeed getting relief from the OHSS. At its peak I felt as though I were Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory, I have been sent to the juicer and AF has arrived with fury. Bitch she even took me completely off gaurd before she struck me down. Here I trudge. my uterus drags about 10 feet behind me smacking along bumps and being stepped upon as I go. Paralised I feel from the waist down. I feel like shit but its one week sooner than expected and thats one week sooner to move on. C and I have decided to transfer one of our Baby Blasts in Late November Early December. I hope our little 5BB0 or 3BB0 will nestle right in for 9 months so I don't have to pick up my uterus for a while. Hey watch where you Step!

Hello Wrench, welcome back to my plans...

2006-10-04T15:19:00.000-04:00

Yup..The ET is cancelled. Our embies and plans ut on ice. I knew things were going way too smooth.. C and I are quite upset but we know that my health is more important. Since I have fluid built up around my kidneys I had to wait on Dr.P's decision.. I knew it was game over, after spending 2 hours driving to Markham in the rain and thunder with a full bladder stuck in traffic with my stick shift I had to spend 2 agonizing hours in the office waiting for the doctor,while pregnant women paraded past me one by one all happy and giggling. I finally fell apart on the nurse coordinator who took pity on me and put me in her office. The Doc came and saw me there, She explained everything to me and I had an excruciatingly long lonely drive home. C booked off and came home (2nd time in history) from work, He had to listen to me cry the whole drive home and in the other ear he was listening to his coworkers call in a double homicide involving 2 kids under 5. It has been a long hard journey for us, we are definitly bruised and abused. We talked and cried and spoke to the clinic and we are going onwards to our FET in the New Year. If that faiils then we will try IVF again next year

Men are from Mars..

2006-10-02T18:10:00.000-04:00

OK I love C dearly, and although we have had our moments, (God have we ever) it just never ceases to amaze me on how different we really are. Post ER I have been really tender and well downright sore at times. The clinic is making me measure my weight and drink all this gatoraide (doesn't salt retain water?) ok well whatever.. they are obviously going to do another scan for OHSS before they do the transfer on Thursday... so I am trying really hard to make sure I am ok for Thursday. Went off on a rant there, but hey.. ok so since i am so sore I can't do all the things I normally do. C was supposed to be helping me this weekend, but as usual when I am sick he seems to still expect me to continue my housefull duties and put food on his plate, clean and make sure his uniform is pressed. I found myself doing these very things when I supposed to be resting and what was my Knight in shining armour doing? Playing video games on the Xbox. (We only have 1 TV so this really made for short fuses when one is supposed to have her feet up). I explain to my darling enchante that my mom is coming Thursday because I can't be running around post transfer, he gets insulted.. well I was going to look after you.. Oh stop me.. How he looked after me this past weekend? uhm No Thanks.. I'll skip your care there Mother Theresa.. Long story short he tells me I need to make him a list of things to do to ease my work load. So I say this I need you to make the bed when you get up. I need you to change the sheets. Fold the laundry when the dryer finishes make dinner when you are hungry, I generally am too. Put away dishes. if the dishwasher is full run the wash, if its full and clean empty it. Take the dogs out, you know they need to go a couple times a day.. feed them too they like that. If you take it out, put it away. that really helps .. OK he says.. but I couldn't help but be absoloutely stunned that he was soo clueless on this.. I had to take it that step further.. I say, You know no one makes this list for me, I just open my eyes and look around, when I see it needs to be done, I do it.. No one actually tells me when it needs to be done either. I swear they believe in the House Hippos that come and do everything while they sleep..

Lucky Number 7??

2006-10-01T11:57:00.000-04:00

We just got the fert report. Of the 16 eggs collected yesterday 10 were mature, ofthe 10 7 fertilized. I am getting nervous now.

One Dozen + Four

2006-09-30T12:27:00.000-04:00

16 eggs. I am doped up and out of it, but their out. Its all up to the big guys now. I won't see our embies until Thursday when two will return home... hopefully to nest for 9 months.

Baby on Brain

2006-09-29T15:34:00.000-04:00

C is laughing at me yet again. So far this week I have managed to leave my wallet at my moms, forgot I had food in the oven, left the door open, and now I just left my keys at the photographers. C thinks its funny and says its just baby on brain when I do this. He is trying to tell me that women go dumb and forgetful when hormones in their body are so out of whack as it is in pregnancy and say IVF. I would have protested more if I could have had a decent rebuttal for the argument. Alas I came up with nothing a blank.. silence.. C looks at me "Would you rather I just say your stupid?" ..... "I am not.. I have baby on brain"

Surreal

2006-09-27T19:37:00.000-04:00

My ovaries a little distended and somewhat tender (ok very tender) We have confirmation, tomorrow is my last bloodwork and ultrasound and tomorrow night is trigger time.. We arein for retrieval for Saturday. Wouldn't you know we ended up with the other Dr. from the clinic anyhow.. funny how that works out. I also start my array of antibiotics as well in the morning. Ohh I will cherish Friday morning, because it will be my day off from all of this, I can sleep in late and relax.. not that I haven't perfected that in the past few days.. but the early morning alarm surely ruins most "relaxation" that happens to occur. Chas been on nights so I was alone for today and tomorrows scans.. though he text msgd me as soon as he could to ask how things were progressing, in a way, it was he was right there in the room with me. He has really turned out to be a great partner in this.

The Couple that Shoots Up Together, Stays Together

2006-09-25T23:48:00.000-04:00

I had C do all my injections asides from the Puregon pen tonight. Secretly I think he enjoyed stabbing me with sharp objects. He as always is very maticulous and accurate. He is involved in the process now and I am not sure but I think he wants to be. I am not pushing him or asking him to do this or that or hear endless thoughts on maturing eggs and hormones as such. I don't even think he knows what he shot me with.. Later he asked me if I was getting another scan tomorrow morning, I say yes and he is suddenly interested in coming with me again.. until the alarm sounds at 5 that is. This is the first time he has ever seemed excited about something related to ttc.. all other times he has been really reserved and left the responsibility to me. I won't deny it, I am enjoying every moment of it, if he could take all the info for me and I didn't need to know anything it would be great... but I don't think he is THAT excited.

Its Hard Not To.

2006-09-25T14:22:00.000-04:00

OK I will admit it, I am always preaching and moaning that I am indeed a bitter and scorned pessimistic bitch but today when C and I were in the ultrasound room and I caught a glimps of his face genuinely interested in my big fat follie filled ovary on the screen while I get violated by a not so gentle technician, I saw hope. For a moment I actually thought that this might have a chance of actually working. I have been trying to snap myself out of it ever since. Common sense Tracey.. trust me I am still bitter and skeptical but every now and then this flicker of just maybe comes across my mind. My projected ER date is Saturday. I am now up to 3 shots a day, luckily my puregon dose has dropped a hundred units since I started stimming only a few days ago. But I am now sticking myself with the supressor and the LH (I will never get this suppress your own hormones to inject fake ones.. I know mine are faulty, but still) Current Needle Poke Count after todays injections is 13. The bruises in my arms from the bloodwork are starting to look like serious track marks.

Your Starting to Show

2006-09-24T18:48:00.000-04:00

Yes, My stimming bump has accentuated my already lumpy front.. wonderful.. I am having a few issues buttoning up jeans and such and have resorted to my bigger clothes while I wait,. I am afraid I have been overstimmed, tomorrows ultrasound will tell the tale. I am now down to 150iu of FSH and now am on Orlagutran to stop the LH surge. I am getting tired more easily but I really am enjoying the time off still. I took the dogs down by the water for a walk yesterday and took a few pictures, these grey skies have dominated my time off this whole week and I am dying to see some sun to show off the colours as the leafs change.

I can't wait for one thing and that is my photography class. It begins on Tuesday, which I am completely stoked for. I hope that I am concious enough for it.

I am sharing my Hope in other ways

2006-09-22T19:51:00.000-04:00

I bond too easily with people. Some of my new supersticions is not joining any IVF groups for fear of being the last man standing (I had done this previously with an IUI group and a general 2ww group and been the odd man out before) I am not doing that again. I am trying to limit my contact with others in the clinic, I am sharing my hope in other ways... a smile, a friendly joke, but I am trying not to invest in anyone.. the minute I start caring I am afraid I will be be odd man out again. CD 5 Needle Poke Count 7

Play Dumb

2006-09-21T20:04:00.000-04:00

I have decided to play dumb. Ignorance is bliss and the more I *know* the more I am going to stress. Day 4 bloodwork E2 levels were the same as Day 3, so the nurse asked me if I injected myself yet, uhm *yes* I distinctly remember poking myself with a needle last night. I wanted to scream into the phone.. DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING, I DON"T WANT TO KNOW.. you all are supposed to be the professionals.. not me. Tonight I injected myself again with 225iu puregon.. tonights selection a little floyd and comfortably numb (How cliche) C is sick with a cold, I don't want to catch but I hope he gets better soon. AF is still hanging out too, she is always a blast to have around now. Ugh, I know its only Day 4, I am already complaining. Sick and sad of me.

Injection Junkie

2006-09-21T19:39:00.000-04:00

CD 3 Needle Poke Count 3, Tonight was my first injection in over a year. I had forgotten how involved a process it really was to sit there and stick myself with a pen needle.. washing up laying out everything on a clean towel, setting up the cartriges and so on. The pamphletes say to set some mood music so I lit a few candles and slid in The Panic Channel, I figure Navarro can sooth me into getting a needle in my belly with his guitar while Steve Issacs sings "Bloody Mary". Nice I was just sitting there thinking wow, this would be somewhat fitting had I been sticking myself with something a little stronger than hormones. I managed the injection without a hilt, like a person who picks up a cigarette after years of quitting, the actions are habitual and require little thought. It was over before I could really think about it. It only took a few hours before the weeping began, gushing with the I love you and everyone else side effects. Brushed back to reality by the alarm clock at 5am.

CD 2 Needle Poke Count 1

2006-09-20T15:38:00.000-04:00

OK so I totally forgot how much I HATE the fucking pill. I was a nasty son of a bitch this time when it came to PMS. Holy cow I had no idea who this person was, but jesus watch out if you got in my way. Ok so Day one was Monday (Sunday was one of those yucky OMG I have cramps to die with and heavy spotting). Tuesday I got up at the crack of 5 (This should be illegal on vacation- but this really isn't vacation is it) and dragged my tired butt through the shitty morning commuter traffic [side note : how the hell do you 9 - 5 ers do this everyday? I completely understand road rage at this point, I will keep my sheltered shift work life] . I pick up a coffee (yeah I know your not supposed to have caffeine - kiss my ass - I had to get up at 5am and somehow have the wits to drive an hour to this appointment) I firgure since I have to have a full bladder for this ultrasound that I can start drinking about halfway down and get there with a full enough bladder to get this over with. I have a back up of 2 bottled water too. 1 large Timmys coffee and 1 bottled water later I am sitting in the waiting room of the clinic with a number in my hand. The air conditioning that is being pumped at my back has sent my kidneys into overdrive and my back teeth are beginning to float. Pain is swelling in my abdomen and I fear that any quick movement may result in me standing amungst a huge puddle of coffee induced pee. I scan the number of women that are to be before me... 1 ... 2... 3.... 4...5...6... Holy shit.. I am 7, one by one they file into get their blood drawn, just my luck the lady before me wants to chat about everything for a few minutes with the lab tech.. "hellloooooooo, I am about to piss myself I want to chime in".. Finally I get in, I can barely sit because the pressure in my belly is soo intense I want to cry. I get through the needle poke without a leak and set myself back in a line for the U/S I dance, I strain.. I have to let a little out, so I head to the bathroom and relieve myself a little, yay less pressure. The coordinator calls me in to get me to pay for my u/s and stuff $850.00 I can barely sign because the pressure has rebuilt by now and I am thinking one thing.. urinate... some nurse has a waterfall picture on her screensaver, I thought you cruel bitch.. all I needed to hear was one of those zen waterfall things and I would be a mess. Finally I get my name called.. its been so long and the pressure is so great that I take a few long seconds to register that my name is indeed being called. Finally relief overcomes me as I rush to the washroom and empty my bladder, I never savoured a pee soo much. Later I get the call saying that my progesterone was 7 and too high to begin stimming so I would have to retest for day 3.. Oh Yay

Placenta Pill

2006-08-31T10:32:00.000-04:00

You know, I just can't believe the support and strength that I pull from my fellow bloggers, journallers, and charting groups. Ladies, you are FUCKING AMAZING! Thank you. I wish I could thank each one of you individually for all you have done for me. I have been doing my homework, why? because I am obsessive compulsive and I hate housework, so I must channel my obsession elsewhere. LOL. I was rather dismayed that Dr.P would dismiss any thoughts of prescribing prednisone prior to ER to suppress my immune response, I had written a nasty letter outlining that this would be the only IVF that C and I would be doing as we just cannot afford it emotionally any more. If this fails, than, well great, life goes on. We live Child free, there will be no adoption, no surragocy, no further attempts (well maybe in 5 or 10 years when the technology has changed and furthered again) I must sit here and think in 10 years I will only be 38, and will probably still be able to physically do IVF again.. but this is an issue that I won't be exploring if this cycle fails for a very long time. Back to the Prednisone issue.. I did my research and with all of the side effects that prednisone comes with (leathery cardboard lungs, cardiac issues, opens infections, fucks up natural production of corticosteroids) the increase in success while using prednisone during IVF is only 1%. There is a chinese herb called tai-bao (human placenta pill) that shows much more promise at low doses of a 76% success rate (prednisone and placebo groups were 36% and 37% respectively) . As disgusting as it sounds, I am hunting down tai-bao now.

Holy Shit

2006-08-24T15:52:00.000-04:00

Holy Shit. That is the only way I can describe this. I braced myself for the pain and disapointment of bad news, thinking this is it, she is going to tell us we have NO CHANCE even to be successful for IVF and to begin that whole life without children thing. I don't remember a whole lot of the appointment, when she asked what cycle day I was on and I replied 6, she seemed pleased. She then started telling me that she would prescribe me BCPs and that after taking 3 weeks of the BCPs that we could get started with the new cycle that follows. HOLY SHIT. Did I hear that right? We are going through with the IVF in 3 fucking weeks?? Uhm OK. I was stunned, am still very stunned. Our next appointment is with the nurse who will counsel us on the procedures to come, we have of course opted to choose a cycle with ICSI just because of C's count. My protocol will also include baby aspirin because of my elevated ANA levels. I can't believe we are actually going through with this now.

D Day Tomorrow

2006-08-23T12:44:00.000-04:00

We have another follow up appointment with Dr. P. I have butterflies in my stomach at the thought. I am so afraid that C's Chromatin fragment will be high. I keep having this sinking feeling that this is the end of the road for us regarding children. I am trying to brace myself for the news. Slowly through the past few weeks and months I have been accepting our childless fate. We have decided that even if the chances are grim we will go through with the IVF on this really off chance it may work, and if it doesn't then we can say that we at least tried. I will need to put my foot down tomorrow though, if Dr. P wants to do more tests I think it will take all my strength to not leap across the desk and choke the bitch. 4 years of testing is enough and I have reached the end of my tolerance for vag cams, garden hose sized needles, pissing on sticks, Sleeping with thermometer in hand, reading saliva slides at 3am , jerking off C in bathroom stalls, or worse screwing in a bathroom stall only to 'spread em' 20 min later for the doc to see the leftovers (My personal fav). Honestly, the amount of paperwork the ministry of health has on C and I and our sexuality would absoloutely be as thick as a novel by now, Tests for HIV, STDs, Hepatitis, Rubella, Pneumonia, Mono, any 56 of the most communicable diseases including Ebola(thankfully that came back negative, apparently a possibility because of our jobs) anti phospholipid antibodies (say that 3 times fast), other antibodies (NK cells) came back slightly elevated, We are happy to note that neither C or I are Cystic Fibrosis carriers, nor do we posses any gene triggers for down syndrome, trisomy, even flipping colour blindness. Hormone tests, glucose tests. I think C and I have spent a little too much time in labs, when the receptionist knows you by first name and can pinmark the vein on your arm in record time, it really is time to stop.

We all make mistakes

2006-08-23T00:18:00.000-04:00

I am starting this post off with a quick thank you to all of you who have sent me emails letting me know I am on your mind, it meant a great deal to me. I am sorry for not posting an update sooner, I just did not feel comfortable at the time to come back to this journal as my gut was uneasy and unrestful, as though telling me that things had not yet rested. I will begin with the disclaimer that I am guilty of this very thing I am about to say. I too have made this mistake. After our July almost quit, C and I have steadily been trying to work things out. I have been reading a lot, learning a lot and teaching myself how to deal with everything in a much more calm and reflective manor. I have been counting to 10 before responding in an argument and for the most part our house is peaceful. My nerves however never seemed to settle. I kept believing that something is and in fact was wrong. C was planning a race car trip with his friend and partner for a weekend and like the good little investigator I am I couldn't help but think that there was something wrong with this trip. My gut churned and choked at the thought of this weekend away. I don't trust my husbands friend and partner, I hate that they work 12 hour shifts together day in and day out, Then his partner calls the house or his cell on his day off and takes our time together. I started digging, soon I found what I was not sure I was ready to find, but looking back I am lucky to have found out before the date of the trip rather than after. C and his partner were seeking some female companionship for their race weekend. I was angry, not at the flirting with other women (because when I strip it down that is what it is), but the blame that was put on me for the past month as to why C had suddenly had this "need to be single" mindset. I was also angry because I said I was uncomfortable with the weekend away and yet the disrespect I received when I voiced my concern. I was down right MAD, he made me think I was crazyk, and he made me bring my work home. I called C at work when I found the evidence regarding the weekends activities and C decided for the first time in his career that he needed to come home from work early. C told me when he got home that he was not going away for this weekend. After much discussion we have come to these conclusions; We love eachother. That is foremost the most important thing for us to remember. No one is walking out that door or on this marriage. We have promised to challenge each other as we used to. After 4 years of marriage and infertility we fell into a cyclical pattern that brought our sex life to a mundane missionary halt. It may have taken me 4 years and almost cost me the one thing that meant the most in my life, but I have come to the understanding that indeed we will not have a child the natural way, and I must let that go. Four years of the same position every other day no romance no spark, no real energy to try, put me, c and our marriage to sleep and in ultimate jeopardy. C and I have spent the past week really diving deep into our relationship and rediscovering eachother. We are closer than we have ever been. I am now very aware of the work that needs to continue to keep our marriage strong and healthy. I am writing this entry to remind me that this process will be ongoing and this entry will serve as a reminder to never fall asleep on my vows again. If you take nothing from my post other than this small message, do not fall asleep on your marriage. Do not get comfortable, and never take eachother for granted. Ask what your partner wishes of you and be open minded to hear their response. Appreciate them and anything they do and tell them you appreciate them. On a side note; I am going to leave with this dilemma, and maybe I am a coward for not bringing this to her attention, let me know what you would do, I am curious. I decided not to tell C's partners wife about the extra curricular activities the boys had planned. I know it goes against girl code, but the truth is that I would rather have absoloutely nothing to do with this family ever again after the Bullshit this asshole has caused with C and I. I would feel differently had I found this after their weekend away. But at this time C has agreed to not socialize with this partner as well he will be returning to his old position in September...

Or not....

2006-07-19T17:48:00.000-04:00

He came home late last night.I honestly think that this work partner of his is a bad combo for him and that he doesn't like me so he is trying to influence C. He seems to stir shit all the time, and because C grew up without a father I think he is really subsceptable to male influence (from all of my past experience with him) this however is NO EXCUSE. I talkded to him and I honestly think that this was a runaway moment because everything was coming to a head so to speak. I told him the door was there and he was free to leave if he wanted to go, but he ended up cooling down and today he is completely back to normal.Looks like it was just one of those super nasty marriage fights. He never stopped taking his suppliments or stopped sex either so there was no warning for this bullshit. Fuck and wouldn't I get a positive OPK today our anniversary is tomorrow when I should . I also have tonnes and tonnes of EWCM which is very unusual for me.. FUCKING FIGURES!! I am not holding my breath but he is indicating make up sex.. and after this past episode, he owes large.

Its Over

2006-07-18T19:40:00.000-04:00

C came home and told me he doesn't want to be married anymore. He left. I am sitting here collecting what little pieces I have off the floor. I am in shock. On Friday I had said to my mom that C and I were the closest we have ever been and I couldn't wait to celebrate our 4th anniversary. Needless to say I won't be ttc-ing. I am devastated.

The Call

2006-07-17T09:24:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I am typing this. I heard from my father. He sounds different. Older, quieter, humbler. I am a little skeptical, but I have right to be. My mom had read my post Letting Go and dug out an old work number for him. She asked him to move on and call me. I got the call this morning, I am glad I wrote the post and let go of all that anger inside me. I would not have been able to keep composure otherwise. What I realised is that I do really forgive him. I know that years cannot be swept beneath rugs, I know there will always be a cloak of mystery. I was surprised at how glad I was to hear from him. I thought I might be bitter, but I wasn't. I craved the attention from him. He is in remission from kidney cancer. But what I realised too, is that he hurts as much as I do, that he didn't forget about me. Hearing from him turned out to be the best birthday gift.

28

2006-07-17T00:35:00.000-04:00

To Quote Lauren Weisberger The Devil Wears Prada Dedicated to my mother - The mom a million girls would die for. Oh god, the day has arrived, July 17, 2006.. Today I turn 28. I can begin to see it, I no longer look like I just graduated highschool, and this past year I was not carded ONCE! Life has begun to unravel. I have replaced my bonne belle chocolate sundae flavoured lip gloss for a matte chanel in sandal. Ugh, I look at my face, time, stress, and the lack of sunscreen have already taken their toll. It has been several years since I had actually been excited to celebrate another year passing, I used to be awoken by my mother who had usually prepared me a wonderful "breakfast brunch" with lobster claws and baked goodies, cheese and fruits, she usually had a fancy balloon and a teddy bear of some sort to greet me at the outdoor table. We would sit and chat, mom would repeat the story of my birth and all the firsts I had growing up, we would have a wonderful dinner at some fancy restaurant followed by a musical show. As I got older I would generally celebrate with a few friends over dinner and cocktails, On my 18 birthday I remember packing up the car at 3am and driving to Montreal for the weekend with my best friend Tanya to celebrate, there are details of that night that are still rather sketchy to the both of us, but what we remember we could pretty much patch work that we were feeling good when we hit the first bar, something about a dance contest we won a bottle of champagne and having to crawl across Crescent street to our hotel at the end of the night. For my 24th birthday I spent it with my fiance, bridesmaids and groomsmen getting sloshed and doing the rehearsal for my wedding which was 3 days later. My 24th birthday was my demise, soon after I began the chin hair pluck and super tight ponytail to lift the features in my sagging face. I think I am having my mid life crisis early. On a trip to the mall this weekend I felt old and discarded, all these women much younger than I pushing strollers and looking fresh and content. Me, haggard and exhausted, 60 lbs heavier than I was 4 years ago from all of the fertility bullshit. The bitterness shows on my aging face I think as I look in the mirror. Not that having a child would have changed the southbound features, but maybe it might have slowed its pace I reason. 28, the number doesn't roll off my tongue as easily as the smaller numbers did. I pick up "In Touch magazine only to read that being pregnant is the new In thing to do [Not that I wasn't warned I mean the cover does say in bold "BumpWatch"], wow and I thought it was still the sex tape that was the hottest thing. I curse the beautiful women in the pages with huge baby bellies wondering if they really want the child, or is this just another TomKat, Brangelina publicity stunt. I flip the next page and there is J-Lo, Jenn Aniston and Nicol Kidman sporting a super small "I ate a big lunch bump" and the tabloids have all deemed them secretly pregnant.. for these women I hope they are, even J-Lo whom I normally detest, I think that she could do with a baby to love more than herself. "Love Brings Happiness- Cancer - Happy Birthday (Who are they kidding) Events planned by friends and family make for an excitement-packed week. When it comes to your romantic future, get ready for a big change in a very positive way. Lucky Day Friday".. hmm whats going on Friday I think.. Thursday is our Anniversary.. then a date catches my eye on the page. "Forecast for July 10 - 16" oh so my lucky day was last Friday and I missed it. What was lucky for me on Friday I wonder? I picked up Mom and went to whole foods for groceries, Nope I am sure I remember paying the $300.00 bill so that wasn't very lucky. Mom and I went to the Keg for dinner I ordered a half lobster and steak dinner only to crack open my lobster and find it raw.. so was my luck that I did not eat the raw shellfish and get violently ill? or that my meal was free (What little I ate of it, since I sent it back to the kitchen and declined a fresh apparently cooked plate) . That was the extent of my lucky Friday. Now that I think about it, it was lucky for me, I did not receive one piece of bad news that day, nothing fell apart and I didn't get smacked with anything more unusual than normal. Oh Lucky Day! Fuck New Years Resoloutions I never make any new Years resoloution, they always seem cliche (unlike making birthday resoloutions) You know, staring into the mirror at the age of 28 hormonal zits still enjoying the spotlight on my super fair skin I decide now is the time I should make changes. Here is my attempt. *Disclaimer* I reserve the right to deny any of these claims, resoloutions or pretent like I never made any of them at any time, even if they are staring me in the face and written in print on paper or by electronic means, overheard, said or spoken about at anytime without just cause or reason. - Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day - Eat organic whenever possible, -stop pumping my body with xenoestrogens, not that I know what xenoestrogens are but "Sky" the hippie that works at my local natural food store was telling me how toxic they are to my fertile soul. - Exercise, *TRY* yet again to lose this fertility treatment weight - Curb my trucker mouth that has perfected itself over the 8 years I have worked with mainly single men... hoping to cause the effect of being slightly more ladylike.

Letting Go

2006-07-13T03:25:00.000-04:00

I have so much anger and toxicity in my body. I carry this weight around like heavy baggage. Strapped to me so much that it has become a part of who I am. I grew up with this hate, this pain, venom. Its so painful that I have never come to terms with it. I am not sure I will ever be "easy" over it. I feel that this evil I have trapped inside, this need for retribution that I carry with me weighing on my body and my heart is slowly defeating me. I have struggled with the word forgiveness for so long. I have tried to consider it, contact it and let the word fall off my tongue, but it just doesn't seem to come out. Besides it would be on deaf ears, the person that needs to hear it won't speak to me. Here is my attempt to let go, here is my story. My parents split when I was 6, My mother and I are obviously very close, I stayed with my mom as my father worked shift work and was rarely a part of our life as is. My brother stayed with my mom for a while but my dad had the cash for the toys and lets face it, boys love toys.. so off he went to be with his dirt bike and freedom (because Dad still wasn't there much). Eventually my Dad met another Woman, which is all nice, and they settled in together. My Dad would make plans to meet me on Friday after school to go to their house for the weekend. I used to get all excited, do my hair and pack my suitcase, sit on the front steps and wait for Dad. I would wait not wanting to move from the porch for hours thinking, if I left he might miss me or something. Mom would call me for dinner and I would decline saying I was supposed to have dinner with dad. The hours would tick by, he wouldn't show. He would sometimes show at around 11pm or call the next day, give some lame excuse that he had to work late or that he got called to the office. I would buy it and we would reschedule only to have the same thing happen... As years went by I went fewer and fewer times to see my dad. His new wife was never friendly with me, she would pretend to be nice while he was around, then scorn me when his back was turned. She would tell me I was fat, and useless. I hated her. I was forced into counselling, when the counsellor sided with me and said I was fine, the counsellor was a crock and useless too. Soon everytime I saw my father we fought. Years passed. I work at the same place, yet we never "see" eachother We barely spoke, I saw him for the last time 5 years ago. I was engaged to be married and I met him outside a coffee shop, I wanted to see if I could invite him to my wedding. When I started speaking with him, he soon began a rant of how evil me and my mother was and how I cost him all this money (because he ONLY spoke about money). I had decided to never see him again. I left, he left. We have never spoken since. In 2004 he was in a serious car accident, I reached out to make amends, but I was given the hyseman by his wife. He recovered, and is back to doing whatever he does. My Grandmother passed away in December, I did not even get a call to say she had gone. A family friend felt pity on me and informed me of her passing, just in time for the viewing. I went after everyone else had left and said my peace with her. I have unanswered questions. Living through this infertility nightmare, I could not imagine abandoning the one thing I worked soo hard to have. Wasn't I the child he and mom worked 11 years for? How could he just turn his back on me, forget me like I was some dirty little secret of his. I have spent many years fighting this inner turmoil, I have looked for inner peace and understanding, but always came up short. Even the thought of him stirs emotions and painful memories. C learned very early on in our courtship that tardiness is unacceptable, even a 10 minute lateness closes my airways and brings me to panic. Like a wave of emotion I feel as though I am back 24 years waiting for something that isn't coming. I hate that C works 2 jobs and I wish we spent more time together, and money well money will always be a challenge so there is no point in arguing over it. I am detoxing my body, and now I am detoxing my soul and searching deep within to find free myself of this hate, because lets face it. He is never going to know how I feel. The only person I am waging war with is myself. I am not going to ever right this wrong, so there is just no purpose to continue to hold this rage so close to me. I am doing what I should have done years ago. Forgive. I forgive you dad. I will need to work on the forget.

Test Results

2006-07-12T13:08:00.000-04:00

We received the good news that C's Y deletion and CF carrier gene came back negative. Oh I was bracing myself for the worst, Now on August 16, he must return to the happy room and submit yet another sample. This one will be for DNA fragmentation, I pray for some good news here. I am sure he will be really please to hear this. Finally some positive news in this neverending nightmare. As a side note I want to thank Tracey (my DCM) for all of the work she has done to get my body in check. I was a disaster before, I mean really a disaster. I don't think I could have made it this far without her. She has been helping me for the past year, when we started I had a never ending AF, I was anovulatory and full of zits and anger. She has worked soo hard with me to regulate my cycles and get me ovulating on my own. She even understands that I needed to take breaks and scream for a while. She has put C on his own blend of herbs and they seem to be taking effect as he is no longer as tired as he used to be and he seems more ready willing and able, I really hope that this next SA comes back with better numbers.

Cycle 51

2006-07-11T23:11:00.000-04:00

I had a post written, it was dark and honest, but the truth is, I need to pull out of this, and writing about it over and over isn't going to do that. I had another disapointing cycle. You would think after 50 cycles I would get used to it, but the truth is, it just seems to get harder. A lot harder. I lost my meds. I was slipping away to that super dark quiet place where I only sleep and cry and somehow breathe. I fell to pieces this morning and C just held me like he always does. I had to get back on those meds. I had to rush to the natural foods store to get some more homeopathy for my depression, I was served by a woman about to give birth in the aisle... not exactly what I needed, C took the lead when I couldn't find the words to thank her for practically laying down in the store to pull out the tablets I needed. These ones are not as potent as my former bottle, (which I later discovered I had washed in a pair of work pants.. ruined both the meds and the pants). This bottle states take 2 tabs every hour.. Within 2 hours of taking this the clouds have somewhat lifted and my fog is slightly behind me. Although I still don't have the energy to finish the dusting I was supposed to do, I will head to bed and hopefully wake with a better mind. Off to slog for cycle #51, I also called the clinic today to see if they got C's results for CF carrier and Y deletion. The receptionist did not call back to let me know the results (never a good sign), so tomorrow I will call again and hopefully hear what I need to hear.

Public Service Announcement

2006-06-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

I have spent a whole fuck a lot of money over the years on pee sticks. Its sick the amount I have spent. Re The Pledge When I saw this smart little blinkie, I had to laugh and share.

The nicest thing

2006-06-22T16:50:00.000-04:00

I have a great friend that is absoloutely amazing. I had to choke back tears when she handed me this Goodluck Charm. I am sharing it with all of you, and hopefully it will bring all of us what we so seek.

The Naked Truth

2006-06-20T00:43:00.000-04:00

When it comes to blogging my thoughts and emotions, I write what is going on in my head right at that moment. I started this blog to chronicle C and I's struggles in babyquest, thinking I could write a few slightly personal, general blogs and hoped we would already be working on our past struggles with IF and now curently pregnant (particularly after the first positive pregnancy). My mistake, I told god my plans, he must have thought this was funny, so here I am. Writing again a snapshot in time, my posts have definitely moved from the chronicle (this is what you can expect side) to something much more raw and emotional than originally planned. I want to thank you all for your well wishes and hugs. This journey has been and continues to be the most painful and thought consuming process I have ever experienced. I must apologize to C for my last post, it was somewhat written in anger, frustration and annoyance.. the end result was that he came off cold and calus. In reading it in morning light with a cooler head I thought of editing it. but then I am reminded that I am chronicalling everything Mood swings bitchyness and all. It stays. C and I had the chance today to discuss the thought of counselling and getting help. which he is really encouraging me to do. The medication is not what he wants because he sees the bad side of these meds. I think he is being somewhat judgemental on the subject, but I have to agree that I don't want to take a medication if I can avoid it. I called the naturopath tonight and she is working on something for me for the depression. I have also decided to look up my local IAAC chapter and look for some support this way. I am a little more optimistic. C has been taking at least half the dose of his suppliments and I see a huge improvement already. I hope that his next tests are all clear. On the mom front - She had her surgeon appointment today where the Dr. explained that she has Invasive Ductile Carcinoma , the most common form of breast cancer. The cure rate is high and she is going in on Friday for a lumpectomy. The Dr. thinks that the lumps are close enough together to take a section of the breast as oppposed to a mastectomy. My mom is relieved. As per her age as well she will most likely not be having chemotherapy, but instead will be having radiation. She won't know what stage her cancer is at until after the lumps are removed and then alayzed. She will also have a lymphectomy from her underarm area as well. After the appointment today my mom celebrated her small victory with a few beers. Now this is the entertaining moment, my mother sitting accross the table from C while he cheers her on to chug-a-lug .. There is no trailer... I swear.

IF is just not fair..

2006-06-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

It would seem that my downward spiraling trend continues today. I managed to gather the strength to go to work. This was my mistake, I was greeted by a wall of pregnant women, all drawn to me like a moth to flame.. each one of them edging ever closer and closer to me. 5 coworkers all happily pregnant and buzzing with progesteron giggling and munching around me. Talking baby talk and laughing at feeling their babies move inside them. I ached. My heart sank with every uncomfortable smile directed my way. God do I long to be that happy, carrying a reflection of C and I, a life, a future. I felt my knees weaken and my stomach turn to knots. My eyes would well up with salty tears and I would choke on my words to try and stop the enevitable flow. I would excuse myself and wash up in the bathroom, somehow suck in my emotions and make it through the next ten minutes before the pain would swell from within again. I am at a loss. I want to reach out and get help for my depression, I want to see someone who maybe understands and can help, I am considering seeing a therapist , but C thinks that by getting medication I am some sort of weakling that he does not want to be with. The adoption non option. My mom and I fought when I spoke to her tonight. She thinks we should start paperwork for adoption. Neither C or I are open to adoption, it works for some, and if this is something that someone else wishes to pursue than it is great for them. But not for us, for our own reasons. The donor - I asked C if he would consider donors if the tests came back infavourable, he point blank said NO, NO DONORS. Here is where I sit. Alone. Lonely. My youth and innocence wasted on fears, worry. ALWAYS WAITING Waiting for appointements, tests, results, for life to begin. Begging for this nightmare to end.

Thank You

2006-06-18T00:04:00.000-04:00

My mom wished me to post this for you all to read. These are her words and not mine. She is so greatful for all of your support and love. Thank you, for keeping her in your prayers. I want to thank each and everyone of you who took the time to send me such inspiring and kind words , it has meant the world to me I have taken the liberty of printing your beautiful writings and as I pass through this hell of a journey I will hold very dear to my heart your kindness to me and to the most precious person to me my darling selfless daughter. Having been where all of you have been regarding infertility I share your pain and anguish as Tracey mentioned I waited eleven years for my little angel , and I know in my heart that all of you will become mothers at different times and maybe different circumstances . I have made a vow that I will not leave this earth before Tracey has a beautiful baby in her arms to hold and love. Please encourage her to keep up her strength through all of this. I believe that you women are the reason the universe is a better place to live in and never give up your dreams I know they will come to you . Love Tracey's Mom ( Rena ) - rena

Request

2006-06-16T02:28:00.000-04:00

My mom goes on Monday to the oncologist to see what stage her cancer is at. So far they found 2 lumps. Ladies forgive me as my mother is the only blood relative I have, and this is very painful for me because it is she who gives me such strength and hope to continue this ttc journey everyday. She wants a grandchild to love so much, and she swears she will not rest until we have a little one to love. Please pray for good news for her, she is so strong and giving. She is an infertility survivor herself and has always been interested in hearing your stories, when she is here she reads the posts with me and cheers you all on too. Please return her that cheer. Some Canadian Facts Breast cancer is the most common cancer among Canadian women. In 2006, an estimated 22,300 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 5,300 will die of it. An estimated 160 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 45 will die of it. On average, 429 Canadian women will be diagnosed with breast cancer every week. On average, 102 Canadian women will die of breast cancer every week. One in 9 women is expected to develop breast cancer during her lifetime. One in 27 will die of it. Since 1994, death rates for breast cancer have been declining steadily. - Canadian Cancer Society

Malignant

2006-06-15T16:28:00.000-04:00

malignant(ma-LIG-nant)Cancerous; a growth that tends to spread into nearby normal tissue and travel to other parts of the body. My mother has Cancer.

7 Million!

2006-06-15T15:27:00.000-04:00

Oh shit I almost fell right out of the chair. How the fuck can C's SA go from 37 million to 7 million in the span of 1 year? Everything up to that moment sounded great, My PCOS had been downgraded to mild, my anitibodies were elevated but I tested negative for anti-phospholipid antibodies and elevated NKC. The little bit of scar tissue she found was removed in the sonohystereogram she preformed and my uterus anatomy was normal. Just as I thought that we might actually be moving forward and toward an August IVF date the other shoe dropped. The rest of the appointment was a blur - genetic testing for cystic fibrosis, hormone level bloodwork for C, DNA fragmentation for C and another dreaded SA. A suppliment suggestion and she even gave him some samples (enough for 4 days) (thank god for T and her stash). We have to return in 2 months and I never even remembered when the appointment is, I left C to book it all, I was just in a haze of fog and utter disbelief. I cried all the way home, the thought of pushing back the dates yet again just set another dig of disapointment our way. C is upset he got very angry with me in the car on the way home, the pendulum has shifted, for years it was ME that was the cause, me that had to change my habits, my lifestyle, my body, my thinking, personality, I was the reason for our infertility.. I sat in the car and had to choke back the words (I told you so), like a 3 year old would, if only he would listen when I said please wear boxers, don't sit in a hot tub, stop drinking 5 cups of coffee, watch the rye, hot pj's, pants, jeans, etc etc, take your vitamins, .. but being on the receiving end of that for so long, had I said those words, would make me a hypocrite. Mom called when we had almost reached the front door to put life back into perspective for us, and tell me that her biopsy results were in and that her appointment was at 4, I am just not sure how ready I am to hear these results either.

Whats in the water?

2006-06-08T22:34:00.000-04:00

I was not prepared. I don't know why, I should always be.. I mean where I work its a gaurantee that I will see someone pregnant during the day. But I wasn't ready to see 3 co-workers suddenly in maternity clothing all at once. Our uniforms do a good job at hiding these things, then suddenly women remove their duty belts and untuck their shirts and the whole world knows. I wanted to die. I am beginning to hear the "whats in the water here?" comments again (re: 11 coworkers pregnant at once last year saga) I want to shout "I drink the same fucking water! I sit in the same fucking chairs! and NOTHING NADA! FUCK DAMMIT!". So this is the total count... 7 coworkers currently seen at least 50% of my days of work, 4 pregnant neighbours, and 2 pregnant friends. (Not to mention all the regular blogs, buddy groups and such are all pregnant/parents/or drifted to a halt) I think I will be seriously considering medicating now. I have returned to the homeopath. She is starting me up aggressively again, because as usual I fucked up and now my body is all out of whack again (stress? Depression? anger? grief?). I am back to bleeding constantly so I hope that the double doses of iron really clear this up soon.

Anniversary

2006-06-05T17:54:00.000-04:00

The day had come, like any other day in this fucking horrid nightmare of infertility. The bitch came to celebrate with me too, like she felt the need to be the special guest at my pity party. How fitting, she has shown up on Christmas day for the past 2 years, why not enjoy this anniversary too. On Friday I celebrated 4 years of infertilty. In 4 years she has come to visit 50 times and she has overstayed her welcome. C has accepted that she is here to stay, but I can't let go of the dream that one day she will fuck off and not come back for almost a year. I could do with the break. Fucking Aunt Flo. Today I sat and watched the dirtiest pregnant women walk by me, I wanted the floor to swallow me whole. Bitches. Yup, after 4 years, I am officially bitter.

The Guilt

2006-05-20T01:28:00.000-04:00

The guilt I feel is sometimes overwhelming. I feel as though I have let my small family down, I feel as though I have dissapointed those close to me with not being able to present them a child to adore. I know they don't blame me, its not a question of blame, but I yet I feel this guilt. I keep telling myself, life goes on, if things don't work out then you can travel, which isn't true either, or I could buy my dream home with my dream yard... I guess I just want it all. Its just the realization that I can't.

Summer Season Pass

2006-05-02T11:11:00.000-04:00

Well the meeting was uneventful to say the least, but really what was I expecting? to walk away pregnant on the same meeting? After writing through our history the good Doctor (who at least appeared to have some common sense) sent me right down the hall to begin a battery of tests. 1 grumpy lab technitian who had too much coffee - 2 patients 1 uncooperative dehydrated vein, 1 Paramedic ready to take his own blood 2 garden hose size syringes HIV, HEP Tests, - 1 vial Complete Hormone work up - 3 vials Fasting Insulin levels, - 1 vial Day 3 FSH - 1 vial U/S done on full bladder, followed by empty bladd internal u/s (thankfully she took my HSG results from last year or we would be repeating that) Sonohystereogram to be done on Day 7 - 10 next cycle New Semen Analysis to be done when I go for Sono Looks like I am back on Metformin. I am reading "The Infertility Survival Guide" by Judith Danilk Ph.D. I am hoping it helps me cope with this sinking depression I seem to be falling into. Yet again another Coworker has told me she is pregnant. I am happy for her as always, but I am envious as always. It is happening again, I am getting surrounded by the pregnant, total count as of current date of baby belly coworkers 11, 4 of which are within 3 weeks of one another. If this fails I am not sure how long I can stay sane.

Just 2 more Days

2006-04-25T13:38:00.000-04:00

Just 2 days, 10 hours and 22 minutes until our long awaited appointment. I think that waiting for almost a year to see this Doctor has put me into a tail spin, either I will have worked her up in my mind as our last and only hope to share success in our quest for baby. Or I will be utterly dissapointed andgive up completely. My eggs are all in one basket so to speak. I keep hope alive by reading other IF blogs that I am so happy to see over the years have turned from utter despair like mine to absoloute success, in one way or another. I have decided to prepare a letter to the Doctor outlining my past, my expectations and my limits. I just think that I am in such a place that when Chris and I discuss future plans we talk about dogs and land, a quiet place and the talk of when we have children has changed to if we ever have children. I guess I am in the accesptance phase of my grieving. The thought of never having a child of our own hurts beyond belief, but the fact that we are beginning to move on with our lives marks the end of our rope. We have talked about it with my mom, who is the most understanding in this situation, having gone through this IF inferno herself, that if the IVF is unsuccessful and if we have frostys we can thaw and that are transferable, if neither of those works then we are throwing in the towel. "Why not adopt?" a friend said.. because I grew up in a home with an adopted brother that left my mother at age 14 and never even looked back, because I am afraid of getting a knock on the door 14 years from now and seeing a woman demanding her baby back (Contracts are NEVER iron clad, and judges are NEVER predictable) Because I never want to hear "Your not my REAL mom!" and stop myself retorting back "Your right I'm not, she did not want you!" (even if its not said it will be thought)... I don't want people saying that the child looks like me or C just to be polite. Nor do I want to deal with foreign governments, who hide medical records and downplay serious ailments. I am willing to give up this fight.

opk oddessy finale!

2006-04-25T12:48:00.000-04:00

This is just rediculas.. I had a last OPK, and as any ttc-er will tell the urge to pee on any stick is too strong to stop. anyhow here is todays OPK.. this is the last one of the 3 packs at $45 cad each +tax. that I have purchased, and I am not testing tommorrow. Thank god Chris is getting off night shift... That would put my ovulation date right at my Doctors appointment.. wow that would be nice to say.

dirty little secret

2006-04-25T01:58:00.000-04:00

The song you are listening to is Dirty Little Secret, by Sarah Mclachlan.. If I had the chance love I would not hesitate To tell you all the things I never said before Don't tell me it's too late [Chorus:] Cause I've relied on my illusion To keep me warm at night And I've denied in my capacity to love I am willing to give up this fight I've been up all night drinking To drown my sorrow down But nothing seems to help me since you've went away I'm so tired of this town Where every tongue is wagging When every back is turned They're telling secrets that should never be revealed There's nothing to be gained from this But disaster Here's a good one Did you hear about my friend He's embarrassed to be seen now Cause we all know his sins If I had the chance love Oh no, I would not hesitate To tell you all the things I never said before Don't tell me it's too late [Chorus:] Cause I've relied on my illusion To keep me warm at night I've denied in my capacity to love I am willing to give up this fight Oh, I am willing to give up this fight

I believe the big moment happened..

2006-04-25T01:28:00.000-04:00

I really had to quit the OPK experiment, I had to buy a final pack of opks and it would appear that I already had my surge and am now just typically wasting money. Shit. I believe the big moment has already happened, and I am thrust into the 2ww, without really knowing I was in it in the first place. It would appear that indeed the questionable OPK that I posted was indeed my positive one, as since then I have gotten nothing but weaker and weaker lines. ********** I had a rough weekend, Kaycee was fixed and came home on Friday so we have been pampering her and mom was up for the weekend.. Which is always a great help, thank you mom for coming up and saving me from insanity. XOXOXO I found out that another co worker is pregnant, and although I am happy to hear the news, its so bitter sweet because I envy them so much. So much of my innocence has been lost in this raging war of hormones, needles and tests. I often believe that the next set back will throw me over the edge. Other times I find myself reflecting on how much Chris and I have grown over these years, how close and open we have managed to become in this raw struggle. Most days however I wish for time to stop ticking and wonder if I have the energy to take that next breath, amazed at how much this has affected my life, how I avoid the pregnant and new moms like a disease and have perfected the art of tuning out all well intentioned advice from those who managed to conceive within a day of decision. The words that sums our feeling - empty, hopeless, barren.

OPK odessy CD 11 Test #3

2006-04-19T13:16:00.000-04:00

OPK odessy CD 11 Test #3 Is it just me or does this look lighter than yesterday?

OPK odessy Test #2 CD 10

2006-04-18T13:23:00.000-04:00

Here is todays test, wow its getting harder to tell if this is still negative.. I have had to post to the comments in ovusoft for expert opinion.

"What seed?"

2006-04-18T10:02:00.000-04:00

"What seed?" "Pre Seed, We need to get more pre seed.. I thought I had more of a stash but it would appear I am bone dry" (pun intended). "I thought were weren't using that since my reaction" "You thought wrong, we have used it for a year post your reaction" "We have?" "Yes we have, and since you didn't know, you didn't have a reaction" "Funny" "Yes funny, anyhow there is 1 place in town that sells it" "Why did you lie to me?" "About what?" "using the Pre-Seed" "I didn't lie, I just omitted telling you I was using it, had I told you I was using it, would you have mysteriously come down with a reaction?" "No, I wouldn't have wanted to use it" "exactly" "what exactly?" "Exactly why I did not tell you..."

OPK Oddessy

2006-04-17T15:55:00.000-04:00

I have broke down and bought myself the expensive OPK's from first response. Today is CD 9 and this is my opk..I have to be able to determine when the left line is darker than the right(control) line, apparently I should be doing this sober, as opposed to our newest method of conception... getting shitfaced and stumbling through sex like a couple teenagers at prom. I will keep posting each day, let me know if you see a + before me..

New Look

2006-04-17T04:52:00.000-04:00

I hope you all enjoy the new look. I welcome any comments. I am in such transition right now, that the days come in waves. I have managed to get my garden blog up and running to, the link is to the side. Thanx, Trace

2006-04-16T19:55:00.000-04:00

New York Times April 20, 2002 Mourning My Miscarriage By PEGGY ORENSTEIN I heard the bells before I saw them, following the sound across the courtyard of Zozo-ji, a Buddhist temple in Tokyo. There they were, lining a shady path: dozens of small statues of infants, each wearing a red crocheted cap and a red cloth bib, each with a bright-colored pinwheel spinning merrily in the breeze. Some had stone vases beside them filled with flowers or smoking sticks of incense. A few were surrounded by juice boxes or sweets. A cap had slipped off one tiny head. Before replacing it, I stroked the bald stone skull, which felt surprisingly like a newborn's. The statues were offerings to Jizo, a bodhisattva, or enlightened being, who (among other tasks) watches over miscarried and aborted fetuses. With their hands clasped in prayer, their closed eyes and serene faces, they are both child and monk, both human and deity. I had seen Jizo shrines many times before. They're all over Japan, festive and not a little creepy. But this was different. I hadn't come as a tourist. I was here as a supplicant, my purse filled with toys, ready to make an offering on behalf of my own lost dream. I was in Tokyo for three months reporting on Japan's rapidly declining birth rate. I hadn't expected to be pregnant, though I had long hoped to be (and appreciated the coincidence, not to mention the humiliation, of succumbing to morning sickness midway through an interview on the new childlessness). I called my husband, Steven, across the Pacific, eager to share the news. We agreed that I would stay and find an English-speaking doctor. After all, we reasoned, Japanese women have babies, too. He would come in about a month to visit as planned. I imagined a sweet reunion. Steven's response, however, was more guarded. I'd already had one miscarriage, more than a year earlier, and he was wary of giving way to excitement before that first, tentative trimester had passed. I knew he was right, but couldn't share that cautiousness -- nor, I suppose, did I really try. I found myself engaged in a running conversation with the growing embryo, narrating the details of daily life in Tokyo, telling it stories of our home back in California. The connection I felt was unanticipated, electric: as if a frail, silvery thread ran between us. That link was the first thing I checked for when I woke up, the last thing I focused on when drifting to sleep. Then, in my eighth week, walking to the subway, I felt it snap. Just like that. It's over, I thought. Is that possible? Could I have truly known? Of course there are concrete indicators that things have gone amiss -- nausea abates, breast pain dwindles -- but those had not yet occurred. It could have been my imagination, a momentary blip that in a viable pregnancy would have been forgotten. Or maybe the bond itself was a product of wishful thinking. I can't say. Either way, I could never conjure the connection again. I tried not to think about it. I tried to convince myself that I was being superstitious and absurd. But I was not surprised at my next prenatal exam when the doctor looked at the wavy lines of the ultrasound and intoned, ''Egg sac is empty.'' I just slipped further into the numbness of medical emergency. Steven caught a plane to Tokyo, and we faced the D. and C. procedure together, grimly, with little incident. A week later, I decided to stay and finish my work. Steven flew home. And it was over. Or at least it was supposed to be. There's little acknowledgment in Western culture of miscarriage, no ritual to cleanse the grief. My own religion, Judaism, despite its meticulous attention to the details of daily life, has traditionally been silent on pregnancy loss -- on most matters of pregnancy and childbirth, in fact. (At the urging of female rabbis, the Conservative movement in which I grew up has, for the first time, included prayers to mark miscarriage and some abortions in its most recent rabbis' manual.) Christianity, too, has largely overlooked miscarriage. Without form, there is no content. So even in this era of compulsive confession, women don't speak publicly of their loss. It is only if your pregnancy is among the unlucky ones that fail that you begin to hear the stories, spoken in confidence, almost whispered. Your aunt. Your grandmother. Your friends. Your colleagues. Women you have known for years -- sometimes your whole life -- who have had this happen, sometimes over and over and over again. They tell only if you become one of them. Women today may feel the disappointment of early miscarriage especially acutely. In my mother's generation, for instance, a woman waited until she had skipped two periods before visiting the doctor to see if she was pregnant. If she didn't make it that long, she was simply ''late.'' It was less tempting, then, to inflate early suspicions into full-blown fantasies -- women often didn't even tell their husbands until the proverbial rabbit died. Now, according to Linda Layne, an anthropologist who is the author of the coming book ''Motherhood Lost,'' new technologies and better medical care encourage us to confer ''social personhood'' on the fetus with greater intensity, and at an ever-earlier stage. Prenatal care -- including watching every milligram of caffeine, every glass of wine, every morsel of food, as well as choking down that daily horse pill of a prenatal vitamin -- begins before we have even conceived. Meanwhile, drugstore kits can detect a rise in key hormones three days prior to a missed period, increasing our knowledge but also the possibility of dashed hopes. Web sites ply the newly pregnant with due-date calculators, ''expecting clubs'' and photographs of ''your baby's'' development. Ultrasounds reveal a nearly imperceptible heartbeat at six weeks of gestation. Women confide in family and friends and begin to sort through names. In an era of vastly reduced infant mortality, they assume all will go well. When it doesn't, Layne says, ''the very people participating with us in the construction of this new social person -- your mother-in-law or your friend or whoever was saying, 'Everything you do is important to the health of the baby, and every cup of coffee matters' -- they suddenly revoke that personhood. It's like nothing ever happened.'' There are so many reasons that discussion of miscarriage is squelched. Americans don't like unhappy endings. We recoil from death. Some women also may be reacting against a newly punitive atmosphere toward older mothers. Miscarriage rates increase with maternal age, and those of us who have pushed our attempts at childbearing to the furthest frontiers of time worry that we'll be blamed for our losses, that we'll be harshly judged for ''waiting too long.'' Sometimes we feel that judgment toward ourselves. But for me, there is another uncomfortable truth: my own pro-abortion-rights politics defy me. Social personhood may be distinct from biological and legal personhood, yet the zing of connection between me and my embryo felt startlingly real, and at direct odds with everything I believe about when life begins. Nor have those beliefs -- a complicated calculus of science, politics and ethics -- changed. I tell myself that this wasn't a person. It wasn't a child. At the same time, I can't deny that it was something. How can I mourn what I don't believe existed? The debate over abortion has become so polarized that exploring such contradictions feels too risky. In the political discussion, there has been no vocabulary of nuance. For days after the miscarriage, I walked around in a gray haze, not knowing what to do with my sadness. I did my work, I went out with friends, but my movements felt mechanical, my voice muffled. Then I remembered Jizo. I phoned the mother of a Japanese friend to ask where I might make an offering. ''I can't tell you,'' she responded. ''You'll have to find the temple that is your en -- your destiny.'' Eventually, a Japanese-American friend back home told me that Zozo-ji, a 14th-century temple where the Tokugawa clan once worshiped, was a common spot to make offerings to Jizo. As it happened, the temple was a few blocks from Tokyo Tower, just a short walk from where I was living. On my way, I stopped at a toy store to buy an offering. What do you get for a child who will never be? I considered a plush Hello Kitty ball, then a rattle shaped like a tambourine, then a squeaky rubber An-pan Man -- a popular superhero whose head is made of a sweet bean-filled pastry. This was no time to skimp, I decided, and scooped up all three. ''Presen-to?'' the sales clerk asked, reaching for some wrapping paper. I hesitated. Was it a gift? Not exactly. ''Is it for you?'' she asked. I didn't know what to say. ''It's O.K.,'' I finally said. ''I'll just take them like that.'' There are few street names in Tokyo, which makes navigating a continual challenge, so I kept my eye on Tokyo Tower, a red-and-white copy of the Eiffel Tower, as I triangulated the winding side streets. The neighborhood was unusually quiet, full of low-slung old-fashioned buildings. I caught glimpses of dark interiors: an elderly woman selling bamboo shoots, something that looked like a homemade still, a motorbike parked inside a murky restaurant. Finally, I came across a temple gate and, assuming I'd arrived, stepped into a courtyard. Down a garden path I could see a contemporary marble statue holding a baby in one arm, a staff in the other. Two naked infants, their tushes lovingly carved, clutched the robes at its feet, glancing over their shoulders. At the base of the statue, someone had left a Kewpie doll. ''Is this Zozo-ji?'' I asked an old woman who was sweeping up leaves. My Japanese is good enough to ask a question but not to understand the response. She motioned for me to wait, then fetched a monk, gray-haired in black robes. I was in the wrong place, he explained politely in reasonably good English, then offered directions. For a moment I thought, Why not just do it here? But I had my mind set on Zozo-ji. As I left, I felt the tug of missed opportunity. I had never previously considered that there is no word in English for a miscarried or aborted fetus. In Japanese it is mizuko , which is typically translated as ''water child.'' Historically, Japanese Buddhists believed that existence flowed into a being slowly, like liquid. Children solidified only gradually over time and weren't considered to be fully in our world until they reached the age of 7. Similarly, leaving this world -- returning to the primordial waters -- was seen as a process that began at 60 with the celebration of a symbolic second birth. According to Paula K.R. Arai, author of ''Women Living Zen'' and one of several authorities I later turned to for help in understanding the ritual, the mizuko lies somewhere along the continuum, in that liminal space between life and death but belonging to neither. True to the Buddhist belief in reincarnation, it was expected (and still is today) that Jizo would eventually help the mizuko find another pathway into being. ''You're trying to send the mizuko off, wishing it well in the life that it will have to come,'' Arai says. ''Because there's always a sense that it will live at another time.'' Jizo rituals were originally developed and practiced by women. According to William R. LaFleur, author of ''Liquid Life: Abortion and Buddhism in Japan,'' there is evidence of centuries-old roadside shrines marking miscarriages, abortions, stillbirths and the deaths of young children (particularly by infanticide, which was once widespread in Japan). But it wasn't until the late 1970's, when abortion rates peaked, that mizuko kuyo, the ritual of apology and remembrance, with its rows of Jizo statues, became commonplace. Abortion was legalized in Japan after World War II; it is viewed, in that country, as a regrettable necessity. Rates remain high -- perhaps twice as high as the officially reported figure of 22 per 1,000 women, which is the same as the rate in the United States. The high incidence of abortion is partly a result of the fact that access to the pill was restricted until 1999 because of fears about its safety and its impact on the environment, concerns that it would encourage promiscuity and disease and, not incidentally, because of pressure from doctors for whom abortion is lucrative. Even so, the procedure itself has been neither particularly controversial nor politicized. There is no real equivalent in Japan to our ''pro-life'' movement. The Japanese tend to accept both the existence of abortion and the idea that the mizuko is a form of life. I wondered how they could reconcile what seem to me such mutually exclusive viewpoints. But maybe that's the wrong question: maybe I should wonder why we can't. LaFleur estimates that about half of Japanese women perform mizuko kuyo after aborting. They may participate in a formal service, with a priest officiating, or make an informal offering. A woman may light a candle and say a prayer at a local temple. She may leave a handwritten message of apology on a wooden tablet. She may make an offering of food, drink, flowers, incense or toys. The ritual may be a one-time act or it may be repeated monthly or annually. She may purchase her own Jizo statue (costing an average of about $500) or toss a few hundred yen into a coin box at a roadside shrine. Sometimes couples perform mizuko kuyo together. If they already have children, LaFleur says, they may bring them along to honor what is considered, in some sense, a departed sibling: the occasion becomes as much a reunion as a time to grieve. Mizuko kuyo contains elements that would both satisfy and disturb Westerners on either side of the abortion debate: there is public recognition and spiritual acknowledgment that a potential life has been lost, remorse is expressed, yet there is no shame over having performed the act. There was no mistaking Zozo-ji. It was a huge complex of epic buildings with a football-field-size courtyard. I walked among the rows of mizuko Jizos searching for a spot to place my toys. Some of the babies' caps, which women crochet by hand, had rotted with age to just a few discolored strands. It was dank and gloomy under the trees. A black cat eyed me from a ledge. It seemed a bad omen. I wouldn't find out until months later, when I returned to America, that there is another, darker side to mizuko kuyo. Over the past few decades, temples dedicated solely to the ritual have sprung up all over Japan, luring disciples by stressing the malevolent potential of the fetus: whether miscarried or aborted, it could become angry over being sent back. If not properly placated, it could seek revenge. In the mid-80's, when mizuko kuyo was at its peak, some entrepreneurial temples placed ominous advertisements in magazines: Are your existing children doing poorly in school? Are you falling ill more easily than before? Has your family suffered a financial setback? That's because you've neglected your mizuko. Given the price tag on a Jizo statue, preying on women's fears is big business. At the Purple Cloud Temple, for instance, Japan's most famous modern mizuko kuyo site, thousands of Jizos dot the hillside. Such extortion was troubling. Could something so coercive still offer consolation? ''One way of looking at this is that all these women are duped or manipulated into doing this,'' Elizabeth G. Harrison, a professor at the University of Arizona who studies mizuko kuyo, would tell me. ''But what is that saying about women in Japan? So you have to look at the other side: there are women who get something out of this.'' Perhaps like the practice itself, in which conflicting realities exist without contradiction, both readings are true. Standing amid the scores of Jizos at Zozo-ji that afternoon, I considered: maybe I had found that little temple earlier for a reason. In retrospect, the garden had been cozy, the monk had been kind. There were no rows of statues, no decomposing bonnets. It promised hope as well as comfort. I wanted to return but suddenly feared that the temple had been some kind of chimera, a Brigadoon that had already receded into the mists. More practically, I wasn't sure, without street names, how to find my way back. Somehow I did, through a vague hunch and a good deal of blundering. The monk was dusting off a late-model Mercedes with two ostrich feather dusters. So much for the mendicant's life, I thought. For certain Buddhists, cleaning is enlightenment. Paula Arai writes that polishing a wooden temple floor is like polishing the heart. I wondered if spiffing up a Mercedes counted. He saw me and smiled. ''Did you find it?'' ''Yes,'' I said, ''but I liked it here better. Is it O.K. if I stay awhile?'' ''Do as you wish,'' he said. And I thought, I'm trying. As it turned out, the statue at the temple was not Jizo; it was Kannon, goddess of compassion, to whom mizuko kuyo offerings are also sometimes made. Her androgynous face was tranquil but not warm. The expressions of the chubby stone babies at her feet were difficult to read. Had I surprised them? Distracted them? Was their backward glance a reminder that even as they played happily with the mother goddess, they would never forget the women whose bodies had been their hosts? Were they sad? Or was I projecting my own sorrow, now a gnawing presence in my stomach, onto them? I focused on the reassuring image of the Kewpie doll that had been placed there, the happy and dimpled Western baby. It seemed less ambivalent. As I arranged my offering at Kannon's feet, a distant bell tinkled, similar to the sound of the pinwheels. I looked up, startled. It stopped a second later and didn't start again. I am a cynic by nature with a journalist's skeptical heart. But increasingly, I was in the mood to believe. My toys looked right surrounding Kewpie, the whole place a little cheerier. I liked them there. I liked the delicate lavender bushes surrounding me in the garden, the wild irises with their ruffled edges, the azaleas, the fleabane and camellias. They were the same plants as in my garden back home. Crows cawed -- the constant soundtrack of Tokyo -- and traffic passed in a steady hum. Still, for that city it was a meditative spot. I relaxed, at last. Maybe my en was finally back on track. Twilight was falling, and the garden turned cold, but I wasn't yet ready to go. I prayed for a moment for things that are too tender to tell. Then I clapped my hands three times as I'd seen done at other shrines and backed away, gazing once more at the impassive marble face. Was there compassion there? The temple grounds were empty. The monk in his Mercedes, the lady sweeping leaves were both gone. I rummaged in my purse for an envelope and 5,000 yen -- about $40. ''To the monk I met at 5 p.m. from the foreign woman looking for Zozo-ji,'' I wrote. ''Could you please chant a lotus sutra for me and my miscarried fetus? Thank you.'' I slipped it under the door. I don't know whether it was appropriate or whether he even did it. But there were so many things I couldn't know. Maybe learning to live with the question marks -- recognizing that ''closure'' does not always occur -- is all I really needed to do. I hadn't expected, coming from a world that fights to see life's beginnings in black and white, to be so comforted by a shade of gray. Yet the notion of the water child made sense to me. What I'd experienced had not been a full life, nor was it a full death, but it was a real loss. Maybe my mizuko will come back to me more fully another time, or maybe it will find someone else. Surprisingly, even that thought was solace. I wasn't exactly at peace as I left the temple -- grief is not so simply dispensed with -- but I felt a little easier. I had done something to commemorate this event; I'd said goodbye. I'm grateful to have had that opportunity. As I was walking home, the sky deepened from peach to salmon to lavender, and motorists flipped on their headlights. The bittersweet smell of fish grilled with soy sauce permeated the air. I breathed it in deeply and felt a little lighter. I decided to try a new route through the unnamed back streets, not sure of the direction, but trusting that eventually I would find a way home. Peggy Orenstein is a contributing writer for the magazine and a Japan Society Media Fellow. She is the author of ''Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids and Life in a Half-Changed World.''

Realization of a new life

2006-04-15T10:13:00.000-04:00

"how do you cope?" one friend asked me, How do I respond? If I choose to respond with an honest answer, that will make them feel uncomfortable, you choking back tears, yet knowing even if its your best friend, you lie.. How can you say you cope? you don't cope. whenever a friend, neighbour, acquaintance, stranger even announces their expecting, you wish for the floor to open right up and swallow you whole. The feeling so raw, like someone has just reached inside your chest and pulled out your heart squeezing and constricting, then throwing it to the floor where he or she unceremoniously stomps on it grinding to a fine mush. You choke back the tears, then uncomfortably you laugh it off as tears of joy for your friend and her unexpected surprise. She wants to talk the day away about how she feels this and that, or how she is going to decorate the nursery, as you attempt to tune it out, with a fake plastered, jr high picture.. knowing that your friend is oblivious to the facade that is on your face because she is bubbling with her own joy. Soon you know, you will begin to avoid her calls, and very shortly, she will have nothing to discuss, because pregnant feeds other pregnant, and soon they congregate and they are all sitting and eating their well balanced diet of milk and fruits, followed by the closet sugar binge that if caught always is explained away by "cravings" suddenly your friend and you have nothing in common, her life is moving on, she will have her family, her husband will handle their little giggling baby in the delivery room, there will be the required picture of the new arrival, and proud parents looking exhausted but complete.. while you are at home scanning your latest hpt at 3dpo looking for any sort of shadow of a line, you obsess on every twinge pain and fart, you are a mad woman to your husband, now afraid to step into the bedroom, for what he might discover is either helga the evil dominatrix getting the shackles prepared with her whip in hand demanding that he perform, or a sobbing maniac who has just seen yet another insensitive pregnant woman eating ice cream commercial, bawling out that it is all some huge conspiracy to pour more salt into her wounds... then one day it stops, you stop buying hpts because no matter how many different ways you scan it, you take it apart, no matter what million mega watt light source you put it under, there is no line. You take the battery out of the thermometer, stop checking your cervix, cf, you avoid resetting your fertility monitor, stop taking your supplements, and you remove the mouldy science experiment in tin foil from under your mattress. You begin to avoid calls from friends, and family for fear of more "great baby" news. You snarl at other peoples children, watching them from behind the curtain, waiting for that baseball to reach onto the edge of your property to scare them off by walking out of the house at the moment they begin to step on your beautifully manicured lawn.. I mean lets face it, the first few years of your fertility, you to loath the thought of gardening, a friend once put it best, "if my body is barren, so should my garden" .. but years of biological alarm clocks constantly ringing need to be silenced in some sort of fashion, be it me dressing my pup heads up for Easter and holding a doggie Easter egg hunt (yes I do this), or having them pose for Family portraits at Christmas and such. Your garden and the lawn become your nurturing projects.. you would comb out every blade if it kept your mind off conception, and makes you look far too busy to speak to neighbours passing with their baby buggies, and cheering on toddlers with training wheels. My husband finds solace in his work and dives head first, works 2 jobs, heads up the local association, is part of the honour uard, runs car seat clinics, enters charity races, focuses on fundraisers and anything he can do to avoid being in the silence of our house. I say house because that is what it is, We have made no distinguished mark on it, most rooms sit empty or half assed, there are no paintings on the walls, no portraits or pictures taken of us post wedding, as all of these pictures have fake smiles and are reminders of our loneliness. Sure there are doggie photos, most of them are not framed, and very few even get to print. No one wants to see pictures on pictures of your dogs, no matter how cute, nor do they want to hear story on story of what latest item was pulled from Kaycees Jaws.

Letter from an infertile couple

2006-04-14T12:33:00.000-04:00

ABOUT ____________________ FERTILITY ISSUES __________ knows that you love her and want her to be happy, to be her "old self" again. But lately, she seems isolated, depressed and completely consumed with the idea of having a baby. You probably have difficulty understanding why getting pregnant has coloured virtually every aspect of her daily life. __________ hopes that by reading this letter, written by psychologists with both personal and professional experience with infertility, you will better understand the pain she is feeling. This letter also will tell you how you can help her. SOME FACTS ABOUT INFERTILITY It may surprise you to know that one out of six women who wants to have a baby cannot conceive. There are many possible reasons for this dismal statistic: blocked fallopian tubes, ovarian failure,subtle hormonal imbalances that may not show up during testing, toxic exposure, immune difficiencies, husband's low sperm count, genetic abnormalities of embryo's, insufficient endometrium lining, subtle or obvious deformities of the cervix or uterus, just to name just a few. Moreover, after a woman turns 35, it becomes difficult to have a baby primarily because many of the eggs she has left are defective. All these barriers to pregnancy are physical or physiological, not psychological. Tubes don't become blocked because a woman is "trying too hard" to get pregnant. Antibodies that kill sperm will not disappear if a woman simply relaxes. And a man cannot make his sperm swim faster by developing a more optimistic outlook. WELL-MEANING ADVICE When someone we care about has a problem, it is natural to try to help. If there's nothing specific that we can do, we try to give helpful advice. Often, we draw on our personal experiences or on anecdotes involving other people we know. Perhaps you recall a friend who had trouble getting pregnant until she and her husband went to a tropical island. So you suggest that __________ and her husband take a vacation, too: "Just go on a holiday and relax and don't think about it and you'll get pregnant!". __________ appreciates your well-meaning intentions on giving the advice, but she cannot use the advice because of the physical nature of her problems. Not only can't she use your advice, the sound of it upsets her greatly. Indeed, she feels constantly bombarded with this sort of advice from well meaning friends and family at every turn. Imagine how frustrating it must be for her to hear about other couples who "magically" become pregnant during a vacation simply by making love. Imagine how upsetting it is for __________ to hear that other couples "magically" become pregnant once they decide to stop trying. Imagine how hard it is for her to hear that other couples "magically" become pregnant once they discontinue fertility treatments, or decide to adopt. To __________, who is undergoing infertility treatment, making love and conceiving a child have very little to do with one another, now. You can't imagine how hard she's been trying to have this baby and how completely devestated she feels every month she learns that the attempt has failed again. It is a tumultuous rollercoaster of emotions to go through every month while trying infertility treatments. Your well-meaning advice is an attempt to transform an extremely complicated predicament into a simplistic little problem. By simplifying and minimizing her problem in this manner, you've diminished the validity of her emotions, making her feel psychologically undervalued. Naturally, she will feel angry and upset with you under these circumstances. It is quite hurtful and feels demeaning to her when her struggles and experiences are minimized. The truth is: There's practically nothing concrete you can do to help __________. The best help you can provide is to be understanding and supportive. It's easier to be supportive if you can appreciate how being unable to have a baby can be such a devastating blow. WHY NOT HAVING A BABY IS SO UPSETTING Women are reared with the expectation that they will have a baby someday. They've thought about themselves in a motherhood role ever since they played with dolls. A woman may not even consider herself part of the adult world unless she is a parent. When __________ thinks she cannot have a baby, she may even feel "defective." She experiences isolation, and feels excluded as she is not part of the majority of the female adult world - as she is not a mother. This is very painful to experience. She has not shared the same experiences and has little in common with others. Worse, __________ is not even certain that she will never have a baby. This is incredibly distressing. One of the cruellest things you can do to a person is give them hope and then not come through. Modern medicine has created this double-edged sword. It offers hope where there previously was none -- but at the price of slim odds. WHAT MODERN MEDICINE HAS TO OFFER THE INFERTILE WOMAN. In the past decade, reproductive medicine has made major breakthroughs that enable women, who in the past were unable to have children, to now conceive. The use of drugs such as Pergonal can increase the number and size of eggs that a woman produces thereby increasing her chances of fertilization. In vitro fertilization (IVF) techniques extract a woman's eggs and mix them with sperm in a "test tube" and allow them to fertilize in a laboratory. The embryo can then be transferred back to the woman's uterus. There are many other options, as well. Despite the hope these technologies offer, it is a tough journey to take. Some high-tech procedures are offered only at a few places, which may force her to travel great distances. The patient must endure repeated doctor's visits, take daily injections, shuffle work and social schedules to accommodate various procedures, and lay out considerable sums of money -- money that is not usually reimbursed by insurance companies or health care plans. All of this is preceded by a battery of diagnostic tests that can be both embarrassing and extremely painful. Infertility is a highly personal medical condition, one that __________ may feel uncomfortable discussing with anyone. And, she is faced with many family and friends and aquaintances asking intrusive, personal questions. Meanwhile, she is devoting considerable time and energy to managing her health, her treatments, and a mountain of forms and other paperwork required. After every medical attempt at making her pregnant, __________ must play a waiting game that is peppered with spurts of optimism and pessimism. It is an emotional roller coaster. She doesn't know if her swollen breasts are a sign of pregnancy or a side effect of the fertility drugs. If she sees a spot of blood on her underwear, she doesn't know if an embryo is trying to implant or her period is about to begin. If she is not pregnant after an IUI procedure, she may feel betrayed, not understanding how it could not have worked since everything went as planned, and nothing is medically wrong with her or her husband. If she is not pregnant after an IVF procedure, she may feel as though her baby died. How can a person grieve for a life that existed only as a chemical pregnancy, that did not implant in her uterus? While trying to cope with this emotional turmoil, she gets invited to a baby shower or Christening, learns that a friend or family member or colleague is pregnant, or she reads about a one-day-old infant found abandoned in a dumpster. Can you just try to imagine her envy, her rage over the inequities in life? Given that infertility permeates practically every facet of her existence, is it any wonder why she is consumed with her quest for a baby? Every month, ____________ wonders whether this will finally be her month. If it isn't, she wonders if she can she muster the energy and the hope to try again. Will she be able to afford another procedure? Is she willing to go through the hormonal rollercoaster? Is she able to withstand another month of daily painful injections and bruises? How much longer will her husband be able to continue to try to be supportive? Will they be forced to give up their dream? So when you speak with ______________, try to empathize with the burdens on her mind and on her heart. Be aware of her struggles. Be compassionate and considerate of her feelings. She knows you care about her, and she may want to talk about her ordeal. But she knows that there is nothing you can say or do to make her pregnant. And she greatly fears that you will offer a suggestion that will trigger even more despair. WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ____________? You can give her support, and don't criticize her for any steps she may or may not be taking -- such as not attending a baby shower -- to protect herself from emotional trauma. You can say something like this: I care about you. After reading this letter, I have a better idea about how hard this must be for you. I wish I could help. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm here to listen to you and cry with you, if you feel like crying. I'm here to cheer you on when you feel as though there is no hope. You can talk to me. You can trust me. I will not judge you. I will not give you advice, since I have not experienced the struggle you have. I will only listen, I will hold you and hug you. I care. The most important thing to remember is that ______________ is distraught and very worried. Listen to what she has to say, but do not judge. Do not belittle her feelings. Do not minimize her experience. Do not remind her of all the stories of others you know who "just became pregnant" after giving up. That is not reassuring to her, that is painful for her to hear, and just makes her feel like more of a failure. Don't try to pretend that everything will be OK. Don't try and sell her on fatalism with statements like, "What will be will be." If that were truly the case, what's the point of using medical technology to try to accomplish what nature cannot? Your willingness to listen and not judge and not try to 'fix it' can be of tremendously great help. Infertile women feel cut off from other people. They feel completely isolated, judged, and alone. Your ability to listen and support her in the ways that she needs it will help her handle the stress she's experiencing. Her infertility is one of the most difficult situations she will ever have to deal with. PROBLEM SITUATIONS Just as an ordinary room can be an obstacle course to a blind person, so can the everyday world be full of hazards for an infertile woman -- hazards which do not exist for women with children. These hazards are painful and constant reminders to her about what she may never have. She goes to her in-law's house for Christmas. Children are running around everywhere. Her cousin is breast-feeding. Her sister in law is pregnant with baby #3. The men are watching the football game while the women talk about the problems with their kids. She feels left out, to say the least. Christmas is an example of the many holidays that are particularly difficult for her. They mark the passage of time. She remembers what came to mind last Christmas -- that the next year, she would hopefully have a new son or daughter to show off to her family. Each holiday presents its own unique burden to the infertile woman. Valentine's day reminds her of her romance, love, marriage -- and the family she may never be able to create out of that love. Easter time with extended family and easter egg hunts for the kids - reminds her of the experiences she may never get to enjoy as she may never have kids. Mother's Day and Father's Day? Their difficulties are obvious. Grandparent's Day reminds her that she was never able to give her parents a grandbaby to spoil. Thanksgiving Day? Well of course she is thankful for the good in her life, but it's impossible to be thankful for the painful struggle and emptiness that infertility presents. Mundane activities like a walk down the street or going to the shopping mall are packed with land mines. Seeing women pushing baby carriages and strollers strikes a raw nerve. She is filled with envy and sadness. When she sees pregnant women - she is mentally beating herself up, thinking why can't that be me? Why don't I deserve that? What is wrong with me? While watching TV, ___________ is bombarded by commercials for diapers, baby food, and early pregnancy tests. She can't even read a magazine without seeing perfectly healthy pregnant women in ads for pregnancy or parent magazines, or cute babies in ads, or toddlers in clothing ads. At a party or family get together, someone always asks when she is going to have kids. She feels like running out of the room screaming, but she can't. If she talks about being infertile, she's likely to get well-intentioned advice -- just the thing she doesn't need: "Just relax. Don't worry. It will happen sooner or later," or "You're lucky. I've had it with my kids. I wish I had your freedom," or "Good for you - you don't have to go through labour," or "just adopt," or "maybe it's just meant to be," or "well, it's God's plan, maybe your aren't meant to have children." These are the kinds of comments that make her want to scream in anger and pull out her hair in frustration and curl up in a ball and cry. Don't you think she tries to relax and not get stressed out? Don't you think she wishes, prays, begs it to happen sooner or later? Don't you think she'd give up her freedom and any and everything else in the world just to have a baby? Don't you think she would quite willingly and eagerly go through all the pain and suffering twice over if she could just experience pregnancy and labour and everything that goes with it? Don't you think she's considered adoption, but maybe, just maybe she and her husband would like to experience pregnancy and the birth of their own child? Don't you think she feels condemned that it may be "meant to be"? These are all the things she is wanting to scream at you when she is offered your well-intentioned advice. Escape into work and career can be impossible. Watching her dream shatter on a monthly basis, she can have difficulty investing energy in maintaining or advancing her career. All around, her people are getting pregnant. Going to a baby shower is very painful -- but so is distancing herself from social occasions celebrated by her friends and family. What is even worse, is going to a baby shower and everyone ignoring her or treating her differently, as this reinforces to her that she is now an outsider because she is infertile. What is especially quite hurtful to her is when people keep things from her (like news of a pregnancy) - this excluding behavior demonstrates to __________ that she is being treated differently now that people know she is infertile. If friends and family used to happily share the exciting news (before they knew of the infertility she experiences) and now they don't share the news, or keep it secret until it's obvious, __________ will feel that her family and friends intentionally excluded her, which is much more devestating and hurtful. She knows that she can be happy and excited for her family and friends with their great news, and sad because she has no announcement to share. This is normal for her to experience. But when the news of a family or friend's pregnancy is kept secret from her, she feels betrayed and hurt that her loved ones would so obviously exclude her. She allready knows she is 'different', not part of that group. And this obvious exclusion reinforces that for her. THE BOTTOM LINE Because she is infertile, life is extremely stressful for __________________. She's doing her best to cope. Please be understanding. Please be gentle and mindful with your words. Sometimes she will be depressed. Sometimes she will be angry. Sometimes she will be tearful. Sometimes she will be envious. Sometimes she will be physically exhausted. Sometimes she will be emotionally drained. Sometimes she will be scared. Sometimes she will feel hopeless. She's not going to be "the same old _______________" she used to be. She has no idea when, or if, her problem will ever be solved. She's engaged in an emotionally (and financially) taxing venture with a low probability of success. Overall, only about 11 percent of those people using special fertility treatments succeed in having a baby. The odds are even lower for women over 40. The longer she perseveres, however, the greater her chances of pregnancy become. Maybe someday she will be successful. It may be soon or it may be years down the road. Maybe someday she will completely give up. Maybe someday she will turn to adoption, or come to terms with living a childless life. At present, though, she has no idea what will happen.At present, she is still wanting to try. It's all she can do to keep going from one day to the next. It's all she can do to keep trying, to keep hoping, to keep going. She does not know why this is her struggle. Nobody does. All she knows is the horrible anguish that she lives with every moment of every day. Please care about her. Please be sensitive to her situation. Please offer her your support , she desperately needs it and truly wants it.

Can I get that in writing Doc?

2005-12-10T02:48:00.000-05:00

Well I wouldn't be me, without quoting Will Ferguson in thinking the Canadian News Headlines should still read "Canada Going to Hell in a handbasket" I would like to hear one of the party leaders stand up and say.. Our health care system is outdated, overwhelmed, and like Traceys fertility.. Inadequate. Fuck! Just say it! Get it over with, Bring in the real guns.. You can't tell me as a Canadian that Healthcare DEFINES you.. it doesn't.. it doesn't separate you from our US counterparts.. its a POLICY and a voting strategy.. and it keeps us trapped and chained to caregivers (that is an oxymoron if I ever heard).. Bring me private healthcare, I will sign up. I am BITTER..Let me first begin by saying this as my disclaimer. I am a bitter scorned bitch of a woman who seems to have incompetence orbit her universe at every angle... We must start from the beginning.. I *knew* something was wrong with me as a teen. I *knew* I had some sort of issue... My doctor at the time, not only laughed my concerns off, but did something considered completely acceptable in our health care climate, he denied me treatment from an OBGYN until I got married and had to march my husband into the office with me, he never investigated my concerns, and I was trapped. You see once you have a family doctor in this country.. it is almost impossible to shake lose of them and shop around for another. I am annoying and persistent in this matter and after all these years have finally been successful in this chapter. I lucked out, after my husband had our little meeting with my family doc, I was promptly sent to an OBGYN where she did an ultrasound and said, "you have polycystic ovaries,here is a pamphlet to read, goodluck" that was the end of our discussion, the end of our appointment, and the end of our patient doctor relationship..Pissed I had to return to my family doc, I read books on PCOS and it sounded like I was just given a reproductive death sentence. I then had abnormal cells on a pap result and I had to be sent to another OBGYN that performs colposcopy's well that was my ONLY visit with that cow. When I looked at her and said I would rather die a thousand deaths of cancer than to sit in front of you again, its not just BEDSIDE manners, its about having an understanding that this is a PERSON in your office, and even if your overworked and overtired (but you don't mind cashing that fat paycheck) and you hate answering the sae stupid questions over and over, This is your profession, this is what you are paid to do, gone to school to do, if it pains you that much to deal with people, go into research.. spare the PERSON before you the anguish of having to discuss such intimate things with an uncaring nasty bitch. Ok so as you can tell she never worked out, nor did the RE that reread over and over again a statement where I said I would not reconcile with my husband for at the time of our appointment we had separated, but later reconciled and were now sitting in her office and she was rereading and reopeningwounds my husband did not need to feel.... "Hi the PEOPLE you have sitting before you, have to leave this office after and work this out yet again, maybe stop reading that now, we understood it the first time" This brings me to the DrB.. Poor JB.. for once a doc that appears to care came around and I actually felt comfortable with him for the most part. Except that he had no memory what so ever.. but then again he is busy.. its the nurse that ran the show at the clinic that sent me packing from there.. (RE: I smell a COD) So here we go again up to Dr. O.. new clinic new day.. new hope.. or not. Okay if your going to blow smoke up my ass, be careful what kind of smoke you blow.. after going around the block THIS much and double checking every answer the docs give (as you can see I have been burned a few times) Don't tell me that progesterone can cause a false positive pregnancy test.. especially if the test was taken prior to the use of progesterone. Don't PRETEND to read my chart, especially upsidedown in front of me.. Don't tell me standing in front of you with a positive pregnancy test that I most likely did not ovulate nevermind be pregnant because you weren't the one to squirt the juice up there at the time and confirm my ovulation. Maybe women with little experience or even those that have tried awhile but are still mystified by it all can be blown that crap and believe it, but frankly if I have to put my name on a bank note and send it your clinics way.. you best not be holding smoke and mirrors.... In the words of my family doc.. are we done with the craptacular, lets move on to a professional.

Psychic Chic...

2005-12-10T02:38:00.000-05:00

I can pretty much pinpoint the moment of awareness for me. I was sitting in my grade 9 drama class when the task of acting the part of an unwed teenage mother to be came into my hands. Why was I chosen for this role? I hated it, every moment of it, and every time I cried for the part, my tears were not the role of embarrassment or shame felt by many young unprepared children bearing children, but instead they were tears of anger that I was a sterile being, and that I would never have the feeling of pregnancy, nevermind being a teenage mother. How did I know back then that my feelings of inadequacy would be reality in 10 years plus. What was my body telling me back then?... Better yet, how come I was so in tune with this part of my body, which had only begun its womanhood a few months prior.

How can this happen again?

2005-11-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

Statistically how is it possible to happen again? How can I get BIG FAT BLARING positives on home pregnancy tests have wonderful symptoms, only to be told my Blood test is NEGATIVE? I must retest again on Wed..

First Beta........

2005-11-24T02:12:00.002-05:00

Well I had my doctors appointment and I did my beta this afternoon results will be in FRIDAY what a limbo feeling!!!! Although I am starting to get these needle like prickly feeling in my bbs, and the pressure cramps have died off significantly. My BBs are almost a size larger and some smells do tend to throw my nose and I cannot sleep nights.. but I am feeling wonderful. I think Baby D will be OK. My doc put a repeat on the beta to be redone in a week.. he said it just might be too soon so don't fret if it comes back a no..Now I go see my OB on Friday so I will repeat the beta then too to see if I get news there.. or if he will check my cervix to confirm or not.

I smell a Cod..

2005-11-24T02:12:00.000-05:00

OK.. the light just came on.. and I am seriously going to have to investigate this.. I need to relax... the last time was NOT a bad pregnancy - I probably could have held on to it.. hear my whacked out baby on brain theory.. My clinic only had 2 stimmed cycles from me, and the cow of a nurse was money hungry, she always told me it was $100 for this or that, $100 for her just to pick up the phone and call the pharmacy if I did not get my meds directly from her. We had just agreed to be put on the IVF list and were to have our IVF cycle started in August just past.. and July 2nd I found out I was pregnant with HPTs.. dark blaring beautiful hpts, I took the hpt to the office and I got my beta done, she called me the next day to say that the beta was negative, but could NEVER give me a number... Even when I begged for one she wouldn't give it, I was told to stop the progesterone (knowing that even if I was pg that sudden progesterone drop would abort the pregnancy anyhow) and We would then spend our fortune on IVF the following month. After not getting any answers from the clinic I chose to cut all ties with them, and she still called me even after I threatened to have legal action in place for not giving up my file when I requested it, well I got a copy of the file from my doctor after it was finally sent there (after 4 letters of request) and what is missing? the beta results for July... I am thinking a visit to the clinic is in order with a copy of the medical records and privacy act in hand. If I find out this is true.. oh clinic your ass is grass. Doesn't it seem fishy to anyone else?

OMG OMG OMG!!!

2005-11-24T01:58:00.000-05:00

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!! Well We think we are... Well ok *I* think *I* am, Chris wants hard facts.. apparently he needs a beta result.. I took a HPT and got 2 lines.. and OMG they are beautiful lines.. I am sooo excited!!!

Repost from IF group...

2005-10-02T01:51:00.000-04:00

I had to repost this since I know it will be lost on me forever if not. My response in IF-BG Ladies if your reading, You are so strong and one day we will get through this, somehow. I struggle with IF some days I can't even get out of bed, I don't have a counsellor, I write in my blog, I have some bad days where I have to cry for hours and scream why not me.. I am surrounded by pg women, or families, We are the only house on the block without or expecting kids, I work with 9 pregnant women, and then there are tonnes of expecting fathers too. I don't congratulate those that get pg anymore. I don't stare at belly shots, nor do I look below the shoulders of my pg friends bodies, those that respect me know that I will never ask to feel kicks, look at u/s photos or see the "bump" there are some that are ignorant and do anyway. To which I just ask them in return, would you like to see my bump of fertility drug fat? I come here [ovusoft], I read others struggles, I feel their pain, some days other women are stronger here and lift my spirits, others I am the one that lifts theirs. I am not sure a counsellor who unless has their own IF story could really and truely understand the feelings one has in this. Its just not something that you can learn from a classroom.

OooOOooOoOo Look at all the pretty colours....

2005-09-29T22:50:00.000-04:00

Well there is nothing more beautiful than a walk with my two pupheads on a crisp cool morning looking at all the leaves that have turned colours. Unlike the commercial where the woman walking down the street falls into complete horror scream (a la Psycho) when she sees a lone red leaf upon the sidewalk, I look forward to this sign of changing times. I can say this with the upmost honesty, I hate summer. I hate the heat, I hate the humidity, I hate having to go to work in 85 degree weather wearing my Navy uniform, adorning my 20 lb duty belt, and strapping unbreathable kevlar to my chest. There really is no sense in denying that I cannot stand it. Maybe I would enjoy it more if I were in the pool business, or something that didn't require the inferno suit. I kind of went on a rant there, but I love Fall.. It marks the beginning of the holiday season. Which means that we come home, from whatever we are doing, home is the most important thing during this time. We return to our roots so to speak. It begins with the harvest, yes I know that *I* personally, and most of my colleagues and friends are not physically doing the harvest, but instead we are harvesting at the local grocery store or farmers market, hoarding away goodies which we know will not return in such good price until this time next year. We then pull out old ratty juice stained recipe cards, or books that the binding has come loose and make jams, jellies, pickles and preserves, thus the modern harvest. The first holiday I cannot waitr to enjoy is Thanksgiving.. forbidden turkey... hardly attempted at any other time of the year (until recently) the bird that takes no less than 3 days to prepare and a full day in your oven at just the right temperature and humidity, too hot, makes a beautiful outer shell but the insides end up drier than a popcorn fart in a windstorm, too cool and You might as well set a place for the bird itself to join in the feast of vegetables which you will be dining on. I thought I would share a collection of my favourite fall photographs that we have taken over the past few years.. This pic was taken outside Medicine Hat Alberta, I have a few more for the Alberta Wheat Pool.. It just amazes me that these Canadian Icons are slowly dissappearing from our Canadian landscape. If you see one, document it, your kids might one day ask what the heck a grain elevator is. This pic was taken near Parry Sound, On. I don't have any photos from the Dorset fire tower to show, but if you ever have the chance, it is absoloutely breath taking and worth the climb! We took this pic in Mountain Park AB. Mountain Park was a town of 1500 before the coal mine closed. Whats left of the CNR railline is all that is left today. To see more pics on Mountain park please visit http://stewart.railfan.net/rail/mp.htm

First time Canadian Gals

2005-09-21T09:26:00.000-04:00

Hey ladies, http://www.ovusoft.com/forum/tm.asp?m=4831355&p=1&tmode=1 Is our new BG thread..

My body doesn't believe in Womanhood

2005-09-19T13:23:00.000-04:00

Why do I feel SO Alone? I feel so not a woman. I feel like a reject from the human race. As a species are main purpose in life is to procreate, to reproduce, to copopulate. As women this what we are made to do.Women are supposed to bare children, breastfeed them and nourish them.My body is not a woman. My body does not believe it has this purpose in mind.My Husband and I have been trying for Baby number 1 for 3.5 years, we have had 3 unsuccessful pregnancies. We have spent a fortune in clinics and invasive proceedures, we are 27 and 28 years respectively, we are 30 thousand dollars in debt for our quest for our baby. We struggle everyday to go to work, to make more money, to move along in our lives... But there is always something missing.., We work holidays so other families can spend time together, We send birthday wishes and gifts to all of our friends who have little ones on their special days, we attend showers and christenings, we watch as our friends slowly stop inviting us to their get togethers because we have no children to compare stories with. We know they mean no harm in excluding us, they just have little in common with us now, their children are growing and making steps and they are making friends with PTA, soccer, ballet, etc. I work with 9 pregnant women, everyday I am reminded how unwoman I am. I see pregnant lady after pregnant lady, family after family, all day long.. I often find myself crying on the way home, or trying to find the strength to even get out of bed to torture myself for another day at work. I am now to the point where someone announces their pregnancy, I do not even congratulate them... How do you keep going after this?

Links to Ovusoft..

2005-09-19T10:37:00.000-04:00

For many of my FF friends who woke up this morning with no access to FF's Circles, I wish to send you here. http://ovusoft.com/forum a link to ovusoft, the OTHER charting site. I requested from FF that since the service of the circles is no longer free that the censorship for other websites be removed, not only was my post deleted within 5 minutes, but the response I got fromth e administrator that sent it was that there "were no plans in place to revamp the posting policy"

Bryan and Kaycee..

2005-09-06T12:44:00.000-04:00

Welcoming Kaycee to our world....

2005-09-03T20:52:00.000-04:00

Some pics of Kaycee's First day with the family..

Drunk peaches

2005-09-02T18:03:00.000-04:00

Excellent over pound cake, warmed over vanilla ice cream or just on its own. Fruit whichever peach or pear [slightly firm]( 4 baskets ) 5 cups water 3.1/4 cups sugar Brandy to taste (about 1/2 - 1 cup) lemon juice/colour preservative Blanch peaches about 30 seconds in high boiling then plunge in ice water to remove skins. Place in colour preservative solution (1/4 lemon juice to 4 cups water) dissolve sugar and water in large saucepot, heat through, add peaches and brandy, boil for 10 minutes or until fruit is soft. Pack in jars 1/2 inch headspace Boiling water canner processing time 20 minutes for 500ml jars 25 min for 1L Remove jars from canner without tilting. Cool upright undisturbed for 24 hours. DO NO RETIGHTEN lids. After cooling 24 hours check lid seals.

A word to the wise...

2005-09-02T03:34:00.000-04:00

I had to share this story that was posted on a message board I frequently visit... although I have not written this particular story. I have however experienced this shame..

Hair removal 101...God love the woman who shared this... All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl; I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!* So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my v-g-na and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. noo!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. V-g-n-Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off". Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I all the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair................................. THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Why did I not consider this earlier?

2005-09-02T03:09:00.000-04:00

A link to my Ovusoft Chart If your ever interested in what my body is doing or if you must be so nosey to know exactly when my Husband and I are

The expansion of our Family.....In other ways

2005-09-01T20:51:00.000-04:00

Well, We have decided for some time that we are going to expand our family with a baby in some way. The opportunity has risen that we have considered adoption. After much discussion we have concurred that we will adopt in the interim.. We could use the practice of sleepless nights, ever messy rooms and never ending cries for more food, more attention, and more love. We have decided that the time has come for us to adopt a second Berner. A little girl, We have decided on the name Casey or Winnie (depending on which suits her best), We meet and take her home on Saturday. Bryan will be a big brother, and although he has no clue what this means now, or I am unsure if he will ever understand... But on Saturday he will have some adjustment to go through. We all will have an adjustment to go through. I am excited yet nervous at the same time.. I wonder if she will love us, love her new home, or be upset at us taking her from her mommy and other siblings. For those that are not crazy about dogs or do not live with (I would never say own since they truly own us)the four legged peter pan (never growing up) This might not make sense, or to those that share their live with a cooler more sophisticated breed like a poodle or shepherd. Life with a Bernese Mountain Dog is different. I feel confident in saying this because I have lived with many other breeds of dogs, but none compare to the absoloute foolishness a Berner brings to the adult household. There is a certain way that Berners can make even the most hardened spirits smile. They always appear to have a natural goofy smile upon their face, which brings the rest of us to join in their laughter. With all of our fertility woes, ups and downs, Bryan knows exactly what will make us feel better. A constantly wagging tail, a forever shadow and the best hugs ever given are given by Bryan. I am just not sure how easy it will be with both of them hanging off of us!

Miss piggy no more...

2005-08-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

After losing our little bean last month I decided I had had enough of the fertility clinics and doctors, nurses probing our every move and sex life. I decided to finally lose this fertility drug and PCO weight I have gained denying there is any problem over the years. So I disowned the fertility clinic, cancelled any future appointments, and requested my medical files (Which is a whole other entry...) and signed up for weight watchers... I thought I would track my progress on my blog and on my home computer as I am trying to lose this nasty fat. Another ticker added will be my quit smoking one. Wish me luck!

The Reality of the Positive Home Pregnancy Test..

2005-07-06T17:18:00.000-04:00

Okay so after a few months preparation and pennies saved we went through with it. Our first ever Assisted Reproductive Tech. We chose the ever preverbial IUI (Intrauterine Insemination).. otherwise known as.. the swimmer needle. After two weeks of constant stick and suck proceedures(i) I finally got the goahead to give the trigger... I had grown a big enough follicle that warranted triggering Ovulation...In our house this is considered the BIG O. I was then suddenly thrust into the 2ww, with nothing to do but seriously obsess.. I mean this DOES work for everyone else it seems... Yes it worked for us too.. We finally got our positive hpt.... only to lose it a few days later. It was so heartwrenching and sad. Like your brother had stolen the toy you had worked all summer slaving away at your lemonade stand to buy and ripped her head and limbs off. After such dissapointment .....We had to take some time off. (i) [ where one drags ass outta bed at 6am, to beat other women also attending the stick and suck session to the clinic so that one can sign their name in first as to not end up staying until 5pm waiting on an ultra sound... most of these women actually manage to pull off a shower AND wear make-up]

Message to the Chosen Ones, and those still trying.

2005-04-13T23:40:00.000-04:00

Let me first say this as to not harm anyones feelings. I love you all and am Happy for your pregnancy. I know that for some of you it was much easier than others. And vice versa, I am glad you have gotten your wish. I wish you a Happy, Healthy, 9 months, and a Beautiful, Wonderful Miracle afterwards. Now if you are truely a supportive friend, fuck off. Please don't ask me to go out Maternity Clothes shopping with you, don't show me your belly, complain about morning sickness, or how you just can't wait for this to be over with.. Don't take pictures of your belly and email them to me, tell me about every twinge pain or fart, like you have been the only pregnant woman in the world. Most of all don't get pissed at me for not wanting to be anywhere near you. I am trying to preserve my own sanity and self control. Why is it that my pregnant friends feel obliged to show me their belly or tell me about every twist, turn and dry heave? Why do they want me to watch their baby move inside them, why do they want me to watch ultrasound videos, or listen to 150 names they have picked out in case it is one or the other sex. Why are they subjecting me to stare at the bedding, curtains, crib style, and all the other baby paraphenilia they have listed on their registry. Why is it that everytime I turn around, someone reminds me of my infertility?

The waiting game...

2005-04-12T21:25:00.000-04:00

I hate the beginning of my cycles. I hate them because although I am interacting with my body and I feel as though I am playing somewhat a role in TTC, I hate waiting. There can be a great deal of stress in the beginning, between menses and the elusive follie break out. Suddenly I find myself becomming a demanding sex addict, requiring my DH to deliver the population paste as many times as possible. I can't seem to be satisfied.. and I know I have read all the fertility books, sites, and listened to doctors carry on about once every other day is good, and not too much, that is bad too.. but I can't help but feel disaproval from my DH every once and a while for my sex demand. ( I am glad he really is very patient and willing to assist in this regard) All of my friends laugh when I tell them that I am booking an hour here, or I have to get home ASAP since I "got the green light" I imagine them picturing me waving a thermometer in my hand yelling "honey its time!!!!! Preggo my Eggo!".. Don't I wish that our bodies were that precise? Sometimes the green light seems to be over too fast, and I fear that we never caught the chance. Others I feel as though it lasts forever, and we are too tired by the time it actually happens. This week has been Hell on Earth. I have been just too damn tired to even care. I was working afternoon shift and not getting home until 1am each night, only to wake up at 6am and go for my routine stick and suck. I was relieved today when the nurse read my follie size that they are still on the small side and need quite a bit longer to develop. With my DH on nights this week, it shall be another interesting TTC adventure.......

Human Pincushion

2005-04-06T21:53:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day in all my 26 years that I ever had to deliberatley stick myself with a sharp object. How often does one get to write that sentence. I now have something in common with the street junkies I arrest in my day job... track marks... (which is just a whole other blog) Good thing I will never fit into a bikini, to show these wonderful marks off, frankly its against the law at my size, if its not it should be (I can admit this). I think now is the time I am realising how fortuneate I am to have a husband in medicine.. he was totally a great coach.. We held the needle together before injecting it into my fatty navel. Now I believe he really feels as though he is truely a piece of this journey. I mean before this I would keep secret when the egg was about to drop, so that I wouldn't be pressuring him into performance anxiety. But now he asks questions, and reminds me why we began down this path. I also see him get upset more easily about kids, and parents, I think that it is starting to affect him more than it has in the past.. He asks why it appears that the scrotes of the world can procreate like bunnies, and we can't even get one day of joy, even if it doesn't last, just to know that we can. He asks how I am feeling about all the tests and what they are doing to me. He is interested in the results of each test. His job is to help people who need help, in the most desperate of times he is there to save you... but he can't help us, he can't make me ovulate, he can't make all of our pain go away. I think he is struggling because he is helpless. I caught him watching empty arms,(http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html) a site put up by a couple with their own struggle of infertility, last night, and he was shaken. He told me that sometimes we just have to cry.... He is right.. sometimes we do..........

Not everything is about TTC...

2005-04-05T21:23:00.000-04:00

Although sometimes I find that TTC consumes my every thought and being for days on end, most times I try not to let it get that way. Somedays its harder than others, particularly in the 2ww (the 2 weeks after ovulation and before AF) when every cramp twinge or fart could be an early pg symptom. Or there are friends who know and are thinking they are being supportive by giving you their own advice on conceiving. "BD everyday from CD 8 to 18 and you will get pregnant" ... uhm some women like myself ovulate a lot later than that so that method really doesn't work that well... "Get kinky","Take a vacation" uhm yes have you SEEN my Medication Bill??? Where do you think I can afford my vacation? I can't even afford denny's early bird special. "you could lose a few pounds, that might work" Yes and who will be my personal trainer.... And frankly you are bigger than I and got pg.. So did it work for you?.. , "begin adoption papers, that seems to work well', "do this position," "do that" "Don't do that" and my absoloute favourite "Relax.... If you DON'T THINK ABOUT IT it will happen".....Don't think about it? Then don't talk to me about it jackass! I have relaxed, I passed relaxed probably a year ago and now I am into complete psychosis. So I try to head the many jackass [ no disrespect, but if it took you less than 6 months to conceive any child, Fuck off on the advice column. If you are in this category and give me advice you will be labeled jackass, but in the nicest sense, honest ] advice in my life and I eat right, I don't exercise as much as I should, and sometimes I even relax and not think / obsess about it. Today I enjoyed the company of husband and dog lazily making it through the day. We decided to put everything on slow mode for a few days and take it one day at a time. I bought a new car, and am really looking forward to getting it next week, and I am trying to take my mind off ttc, and onto remembering how to drive a stick shift...

The Pledge...

2005-04-05T01:47:00.000-04:00

Must be noted again for future reference. This is the pledge I had given myself for the 2ww.. I figured since some are coming into it, I would repost for POAS addicts

I _________________ will not test until I have 18 temperatures above the coverline, OR I have high temperatures Charted and it is the date that FF suggests a test .. -I swear I will not P on ANY stick (including popscicle sticks), that may or may not indicate pregnancy, ovulation, or diagnose rare diseases just to satisfy my POAS urge (ie - "POAS to diagnose Heart Disease, Diabetes, MJ Uuse etc etc")(list not inclusive).
-I will not frequent peeonastick.com or other testing comparison sites, so that I can look at positive tests just to "curb the urge"
- I will not illicit any assistance from pharmacies, or other supply outlets of poas equipment or paraphenilia.
- I will not attend any place of business, Including online stores, that merchant in such poas equipment or paraphenilia, without an escort, or assurance via only enough cash to purchase what I required (debit, credit, points cards, gift cards, etc must be left inaccessable)
- I will not drive my husband to insanity, discussing every little pain, twinge or fart as an early pregnancy symptom, nor will I drive myself insane continually thinking about every pain twinge or fart making it out to be an early pregnancy symptom.
- I will not look at my Doctor with puppy dog eyes to seduce him/her into giving me any blood test, other than a progesterone test, if he/she wants it. I will not request, or change/edit/alter any requisition forms to read "beta" before the above stated testing date.
- I agree to the removal of any such testing equipment including but not limited to: pee cups, flashlights, high tech scanner devices, digital camera equipment, etc.
-FMU will always be flushed down the appropriate vesicle, and not saved for later testing or comparison results.
- I have fully read my pledge and agree to the terms and conditions lined out within. Signed ___________________ at ______________________ the date of _________________________________.

Stick and Suck..

2005-04-05T01:12:00.000-04:00

Whew what a day. Honestly I thought it would never come to a close. This morning the alarm broke out in song at 6am, which even our Dear Bryan dog was not willing to leave the comforts of bed at this ungodly hour. I managed to wash up and get semi dressed.. trying to find the courage of the unknown that was about to reveal itself before me... When you and your partner finally come to a realisation that this whole TTC thing really isn't all shyts and giggles. There comes a time when you have to look at other options. As a couple you have to make this decision fully and completely together, you both have to support the idea of even considering such an invasive task. I mean lets face it, its one thing to tell the doctors you are having sex 3 times a week, its another to have your doctor tell you if its OK to even have sex, and on what day you will be having sex. I am very fortuneate that I have such a wonderful support system in place with my husband and the many brave and strong women that have gone before me in their own journey. It is their strength which gave me the assurance that this was the right thing for us to do at this time. To those ladies, my mom and my loving husband I thank you. I opened the office door that I had walked in many times as a patient of the doctor, but this time it felt different. I wasn't here to see the doctor, we weren't going to review my charts, we weren't taking my temperature, nor were chit chatting about what directiong we MIGHT go in a few cycles from now. I was in to the other half of the office, the fertility clinic. This time was going to be different.. I have nicknamed these wonderful monitoring precedures as the stick and suck... one because the nurse stick you with needles to retrieve any blood out of any little vein she can fish in and find, secondly because they stick what appears to be a dildo cam up your woohoo and RAM it up your woohooo, pushing, prodding and plottng out your ovaries. And I say suck because they suck every last penny out of your bank account to preform such procedures to you. When I walked in and signed my name in like I was told to do during our $100 information session. I sat down and not even 5 minutes went by before I was called in I did my blood work and was given my HUGE [note my sarcasm] vial of drugs for 6 whole days... I began to write the cheque, total cost $770.00 for 6 days worth of medication... Yes hello Nurse can you get off my back, your crushing my smokes.. Holy shit.. Ok no panick I haven't quite woken up yet. ok over to the hospital.. for my full bladder swishing and sloshing with me to get my full pelvic, oh I was hoping they would be quick to call me, I was beginning to feel like ol faithful... push and poke and pull and stretch, my bladder was doing backflips during the u/s.. finally I got the go ahead to completely empty my bladder for the next u/s.. the trans vaginal during my period. Now here was a wonderful thing, at least I was permitted to insert the offending object on my own.. now I felt jipped, aren't these things supposed to vibrate at least? Hey Nurse, are you all in there at once? yeesh... All in all I was more upheaved about the money I just spent and I did drive home at 80mph like Marie does with an HPT when AF is a millisecond overdue. (Remember the pledge...LOL)..just to submit the claim to my insurance company. I got the call this afternoon, that my tests came back this afternoon as all good to go, andI start the pincushion routine on Wednesday.

So I finally Decided to Blog my thoughts..........

2005-04-03T16:11:00.000-04:00

I mean no disrespect when I begin to say this to my friends. But since I seem to be constantly repeating my coversations over and over again about our painstaking quest for a child. I have instead decided to put my thoughts down, and then maybe one day whenI am huge and pregnant with sextuplits then I will look back at these experiences and laugh. I guess there really is no place to start, but frankly at the beginning. I got Married in July 2002, Just turned 24 by three days, and we decided that we were going off BCP's, well that was about as fun as snowshoeing with table tennis rackets... I had a period ALL the time, I think in four months I had one day of rest from the old hag (Aunt Flo). I took my husband with me to the docs and surprise we finally got a referral to another doctor, this doctor ran some tests and in Oct 2002 I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) Ok.. never heard of it before I thought. The doc gave me a website to look up and said alot of women have it, we just can't really do much for it. Well I checked out that web site and it sounded as though I had just been sentenced to life wthout any chance of conception. After crying for months, I finally read a book about it and insisted I be referred to one of the doctors listed in the book. A year after my diagnosis, I finally saw that doc. I guess we were like most couples just starting out when we had begun TTC... We were callow and green and thought that making babies was all about making love, and that somehow we had so much say over the whole thing. That we would just decide that this would be the month we would get pregnant, and we would! I mean isn't that what happens in the movies? In May 2004 we began to regulate my cycles with diet and it actually did work... somewhat. November of 2004 we tried clomid, then metformin and clomid. Now Here we are the beginning of April 2005, in the past few short months, we have learned more than we should have ever learned about our bodies and our emotions. We have had allergic reactions to specific moisture products, we have learned that real eggwhites need to be room temperature before using them in conception. We have had our dog interrupt us, stress to get home on time to make time before the other goes to work. We have been poked, prodded, scanned and scrutinized. We have learned alot about conception, the birds and bees, hormones, ovulation, opks, hpts, fmu,bbt,fsh,hcg,lh,estrogen,progesteron,luteal,follicle,temperatures, baths, coffee, smokes, wine, etc etc etc. But most of all We have learned alot about us. We have now decided to move on and take the next step. This seems to me to be more invasive than I had ever imagined. My cycle wll be fully monitored, I will do blood work and Ultrasounds early almost every morning (so If I am extra grumpy, excuse me). I am rather nervous about this next step. I am not sure if this is our answer... but I am wiling to give it a try. Somedays I am not sure if I wish I was back to being raw and green (like spinach).