Just 2 more Days

Just 2 days, 10 hours and 22 minutes until our long awaited appointment. I think that waiting for almost a year to see this Doctor has put me into a tail spin, either I will have worked her up in my mind as our last and only hope to share success in our quest for baby. Or I will be utterly dissapointed andgive up completely. My eggs are all in one basket so to speak. I keep hope alive by reading other IF blogs that I am so happy to see over the years have turned from utter despair like mine to absoloute success, in one way or another. I have decided to prepare a letter to the Doctor outlining my past, my expectations and my limits. I just think that I am in such a place that when Chris and I discuss future plans we talk about dogs and land, a quiet place and the talk of when we have children has changed to if we ever have children. I guess I am in the accesptance phase of my grieving. The thought of never having a child of our own hurts beyond belief, but the fact that we are beginning to move on with our lives marks the end of our rope. We have talked about it with my mom, who is the most understanding in this situation, having gone through this IF inferno herself, that if the IVF is unsuccessful and if we have frostys we can thaw and that are transferable, if neither of those works then we are throwing in the towel. "Why not adopt?" a friend said.. because I grew up in a home with an adopted brother that left my mother at age 14 and never even looked back, because I am afraid of getting a knock on the door 14 years from now and seeing a woman demanding her baby back (Contracts are NEVER iron clad, and judges are NEVER predictable) Because I never want to hear "Your not my REAL mom!" and stop myself retorting back "Your right I'm not, she did not want you!" (even if its not said it will be thought)... I don't want people saying that the child looks like me or C just to be polite. Nor do I want to deal with foreign governments, who hide medical records and downplay serious ailments. I am willing to give up this fight.