IF is just not fair..

It would seem that my downward spiraling trend continues today. I managed to gather the strength to go to work. This was my mistake, I was greeted by a wall of pregnant women, all drawn to me like a moth to flame.. each one of them edging ever closer and closer to me. 5 coworkers all happily pregnant and buzzing with progesteron giggling and munching around me. Talking baby talk and laughing at feeling their babies move inside them. I ached. My heart sank with every uncomfortable smile directed my way. God do I long to be that happy, carrying a reflection of C and I, a life, a future. I felt my knees weaken and my stomach turn to knots. My eyes would well up with salty tears and I would choke on my words to try and stop the enevitable flow. I would excuse myself and wash up in the bathroom, somehow suck in my emotions and make it through the next ten minutes before the pain would swell from within again. I am at a loss. I want to reach out and get help for my depression, I want to see someone who maybe understands and can help, I am considering seeing a therapist , but C thinks that by getting medication I am some sort of weakling that he does not want to be with. The adoption non option. My mom and I fought when I spoke to her tonight. She thinks we should start paperwork for adoption. Neither C or I are open to adoption, it works for some, and if this is something that someone else wishes to pursue than it is great for them. But not for us, for our own reasons. The donor - I asked C if he would consider donors if the tests came back infavourable, he point blank said NO, NO DONORS. Here is where I sit. Alone. Lonely. My youth and innocence wasted on fears, worry. ALWAYS WAITING Waiting for appointements, tests, results, for life to begin. Begging for this nightmare to end.