Letting Go

I have so much anger and toxicity in my body. I carry this weight around like heavy baggage. Strapped to me so much that it has become a part of who I am. I grew up with this hate, this pain, venom. Its so painful that I have never come to terms with it. I am not sure I will ever be "easy" over it. I feel that this evil I have trapped inside, this need for retribution that I carry with me weighing on my body and my heart is slowly defeating me. I have struggled with the word forgiveness for so long. I have tried to consider it, contact it and let the word fall off my tongue, but it just doesn't seem to come out. Besides it would be on deaf ears, the person that needs to hear it won't speak to me. Here is my attempt to let go, here is my story. My parents split when I was 6, My mother and I are obviously very close, I stayed with my mom as my father worked shift work and was rarely a part of our life as is. My brother stayed with my mom for a while but my dad had the cash for the toys and lets face it, boys love toys.. so off he went to be with his dirt bike and freedom (because Dad still wasn't there much). Eventually my Dad met another Woman, which is all nice, and they settled in together. My Dad would make plans to meet me on Friday after school to go to their house for the weekend. I used to get all excited, do my hair and pack my suitcase, sit on the front steps and wait for Dad. I would wait not wanting to move from the porch for hours thinking, if I left he might miss me or something. Mom would call me for dinner and I would decline saying I was supposed to have dinner with dad. The hours would tick by, he wouldn't show. He would sometimes show at around 11pm or call the next day, give some lame excuse that he had to work late or that he got called to the office. I would buy it and we would reschedule only to have the same thing happen... As years went by I went fewer and fewer times to see my dad. His new wife was never friendly with me, she would pretend to be nice while he was around, then scorn me when his back was turned. She would tell me I was fat, and useless. I hated her. I was forced into counselling, when the counsellor sided with me and said I was fine, the counsellor was a crock and useless too. Soon everytime I saw my father we fought. Years passed. I work at the same place, yet we never "see" eachother We barely spoke, I saw him for the last time 5 years ago. I was engaged to be married and I met him outside a coffee shop, I wanted to see if I could invite him to my wedding. When I started speaking with him, he soon began a rant of how evil me and my mother was and how I cost him all this money (because he ONLY spoke about money). I had decided to never see him again. I left, he left. We have never spoken since. In 2004 he was in a serious car accident, I reached out to make amends, but I was given the hyseman by his wife. He recovered, and is back to doing whatever he does. My Grandmother passed away in December, I did not even get a call to say she had gone. A family friend felt pity on me and informed me of her passing, just in time for the viewing. I went after everyone else had left and said my peace with her. I have unanswered questions. Living through this infertility nightmare, I could not imagine abandoning the one thing I worked soo hard to have. Wasn't I the child he and mom worked 11 years for? How could he just turn his back on me, forget me like I was some dirty little secret of his. I have spent many years fighting this inner turmoil, I have looked for inner peace and understanding, but always came up short. Even the thought of him stirs emotions and painful memories. C learned very early on in our courtship that tardiness is unacceptable, even a 10 minute lateness closes my airways and brings me to panic. Like a wave of emotion I feel as though I am back 24 years waiting for something that isn't coming. I hate that C works 2 jobs and I wish we spent more time together, and money well money will always be a challenge so there is no point in arguing over it. I am detoxing my body, and now I am detoxing my soul and searching deep within to find free myself of this hate, because lets face it. He is never going to know how I feel. The only person I am waging war with is myself. I am not going to ever right this wrong, so there is just no purpose to continue to hold this rage so close to me. I am doing what I should have done years ago. Forgive. I forgive you dad. I will need to work on the forget.