We all make mistakes

I am starting this post off with a quick thank you to all of you who have sent me emails letting me know I am on your mind, it meant a great deal to me. I am sorry for not posting an update sooner, I just did not feel comfortable at the time to come back to this journal as my gut was uneasy and unrestful, as though telling me that things had not yet rested. I will begin with the disclaimer that I am guilty of this very thing I am about to say. I too have made this mistake. After our July almost quit, C and I have steadily been trying to work things out. I have been reading a lot, learning a lot and teaching myself how to deal with everything in a much more calm and reflective manor. I have been counting to 10 before responding in an argument and for the most part our house is peaceful. My nerves however never seemed to settle. I kept believing that something is and in fact was wrong. C was planning a race car trip with his friend and partner for a weekend and like the good little investigator I am I couldn't help but think that there was something wrong with this trip. My gut churned and choked at the thought of this weekend away. I don't trust my husbands friend and partner, I hate that they work 12 hour shifts together day in and day out, Then his partner calls the house or his cell on his day off and takes our time together. I started digging, soon I found what I was not sure I was ready to find, but looking back I am lucky to have found out before the date of the trip rather than after. C and his partner were seeking some female companionship for their race weekend. I was angry, not at the flirting with other women (because when I strip it down that is what it is), but the blame that was put on me for the past month as to why C had suddenly had this "need to be single" mindset. I was also angry because I said I was uncomfortable with the weekend away and yet the disrespect I received when I voiced my concern. I was down right MAD, he made me think I was crazyk, and he made me bring my work home. I called C at work when I found the evidence regarding the weekends activities and C decided for the first time in his career that he needed to come home from work early. C told me when he got home that he was not going away for this weekend. After much discussion we have come to these conclusions; We love eachother. That is foremost the most important thing for us to remember. No one is walking out that door or on this marriage. We have promised to challenge each other as we used to. After 4 years of marriage and infertility we fell into a cyclical pattern that brought our sex life to a mundane missionary halt. It may have taken me 4 years and almost cost me the one thing that meant the most in my life, but I have come to the understanding that indeed we will not have a child the natural way, and I must let that go. Four years of the same position every other day no romance no spark, no real energy to try, put me, c and our marriage to sleep and in ultimate jeopardy. C and I have spent the past week really diving deep into our relationship and rediscovering eachother. We are closer than we have ever been. I am now very aware of the work that needs to continue to keep our marriage strong and healthy. I am writing this entry to remind me that this process will be ongoing and this entry will serve as a reminder to never fall asleep on my vows again. If you take nothing from my post other than this small message, do not fall asleep on your marriage. Do not get comfortable, and never take eachother for granted. Ask what your partner wishes of you and be open minded to hear their response. Appreciate them and anything they do and tell them you appreciate them. On a side note; I am going to leave with this dilemma, and maybe I am a coward for not bringing this to her attention, let me know what you would do, I am curious. I decided not to tell C's partners wife about the extra curricular activities the boys had planned. I know it goes against girl code, but the truth is that I would rather have absoloutely nothing to do with this family ever again after the Bullshit this asshole has caused with C and I. I would feel differently had I found this after their weekend away. But at this time C has agreed to not socialize with this partner as well he will be returning to his old position in September...