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I am too tired and frustrated with blogger at this point, I have lost too many posts and sat for hours while the site was down. http://oneofourown.wordpress.com/ Please join me there.

October 15th, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

Candles lit for our losses, 2 in the back burn in hope for our 2 blasts that are awaiting our FET To all my fellow infertile friends, a prayer for you and your loved losses. I wish our dreams come true and this pain to end. 'Love can make you do things you never dreamed possible...' I got lost, couldn't find my way and I guess there's nothing more to say love can make you blind, make you act so strange but I'm here and here I will stay So everyday I cry yes everyday I fall do you ever wonder why, why I love everything about you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep we will It picked me up, knocked me off my feet I've got no way to explain still I love you, love you, love you but this fire inside will never see the light of day So everyday goes by and everyday I fall it makes me wonder why, my life's worth nothing without you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'cos every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep, we will You'll never know, no, no, no,no,no you'll never know just how close we were you'll never know, no, no, no,no,no you'll never know no you'll never see The book closes and we try to forget but I know that things won't change how we feel, how life goes on and that seems so strange And so the light fades away try, try, try as I may I can't stop thinking about you it seems my life's worth nothing without you But everyday I say I'll try to make my heart be still 'til then every way there is to cry, ourselves to sleep, we will Everyday, everyday you know I try so hard everyday, everyday it gets a little harder - Everyday - Phil Collins

Ugh!

There is no word in the english language better fitted for my current state of disaster. It would appear that I am indeed getting relief from the OHSS. At its peak I felt as though I were Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory, I have been sent to the juicer and AF has arrived with fury. Bitch she even took me completely off gaurd before she struck me down. Here I trudge. my uterus drags about 10 feet behind me smacking along bumps and being stepped upon as I go. Paralised I feel from the waist down. I feel like shit but its one week sooner than expected and thats one week sooner to move on. C and I have decided to transfer one of our Baby Blasts in Late November Early December. I hope our little 5BB0 or 3BB0 will nestle right in for 9 months so I don't have to pick up my uterus for a while. Hey watch where you Step!

Hello Wrench, welcome back to my plans...

Yup..The ET is cancelled. Our embies and plans ut on ice. I knew things were going way too smooth.. C and I are quite upset but we know that my health is more important. Since I have fluid built up around my kidneys I had to wait on Dr.P's decision.. I knew it was game over, after spending 2 hours driving to Markham in the rain and thunder with a full bladder stuck in traffic with my stick shift I had to spend 2 agonizing hours in the office waiting for the doctor,while pregnant women paraded past me one by one all happy and giggling. I finally fell apart on the nurse coordinator who took pity on me and put me in her office. The Doc came and saw me there, She explained everything to me and I had an excruciatingly long lonely drive home. C booked off and came home (2nd time in history) from work, He had to listen to me cry the whole drive home and in the other ear he was listening to his coworkers call in a double homicide involving 2 kids under 5. It has been a long hard journey for us, we are definitly bruised and abused. We talked and cried and spoke to the clinic and we are going onwards to our FET in the New Year. If that faiils then we will try IVF again next year

Men are from Mars..

OK I love C dearly, and although we have had our moments, (God have we ever) it just never ceases to amaze me on how different we really are. Post ER I have been really tender and well downright sore at times. The clinic is making me measure my weight and drink all this gatoraide (doesn't salt retain water?) ok well whatever.. they are obviously going to do another scan for OHSS before they do the transfer on Thursday... so I am trying really hard to make sure I am ok for Thursday. Went off on a rant there, but hey.. ok so since i am so sore I can't do all the things I normally do. C was supposed to be helping me this weekend, but as usual when I am sick he seems to still expect me to continue my housefull duties and put food on his plate, clean and make sure his uniform is pressed. I found myself doing these very things when I supposed to be resting and what was my Knight in shining armour doing? Playing video games on the Xbox. (We only have 1 TV so this really made for short fuses when one is supposed to have her feet up). I explain to my darling enchante that my mom is coming Thursday because I can't be running around post transfer, he gets insulted.. well I was going to look after you.. Oh stop me.. How he looked after me this past weekend? uhm No Thanks.. I'll skip your care there Mother Theresa.. Long story short he tells me I need to make him a list of things to do to ease my work load. So I say this I need you to make the bed when you get up. I need you to change the sheets. Fold the laundry when the dryer finishes make dinner when you are hungry, I generally am too. Put away dishes. if the dishwasher is full run the wash, if its full and clean empty it. Take the dogs out, you know they need to go a couple times a day.. feed them too they like that. If you take it out, put it away. that really helps .. OK he says.. but I couldn't help but be absoloutely stunned that he was soo clueless on this.. I had to take it that step further.. I say, You know no one makes this list for me, I just open my eyes and look around, when I see it needs to be done, I do it.. No one actually tells me when it needs to be done either. I swear they believe in the House Hippos that come and do everything while they sleep..

Lucky Number 7??

We just got the fert report. Of the 16 eggs collected yesterday 10 were mature, ofthe 10 7 fertilized. I am getting nervous now.

One Dozen + Four

16 eggs. I am doped up and out of it, but their out. Its all up to the big guys now. I won't see our embies until Thursday when two will return home... hopefully to nest for 9 months.