Public Service Announcement

I have spent a whole fuck a lot of money over the years on pee sticks. Its sick the amount I have spent. Re The Pledge When I saw this smart little blinkie, I had to laugh and share.

The nicest thing

I have a great friend that is absoloutely amazing. I had to choke back tears when she handed me this Goodluck Charm. I am sharing it with all of you, and hopefully it will bring all of us what we so seek.

The Naked Truth

When it comes to blogging my thoughts and emotions, I write what is going on in my head right at that moment. I started this blog to chronicle C and I's struggles in babyquest, thinking I could write a few slightly personal, general blogs and hoped we would already be working on our past struggles with IF and now curently pregnant (particularly after the first positive pregnancy). My mistake, I told god my plans, he must have thought this was funny, so here I am. Writing again a snapshot in time, my posts have definitely moved from the chronicle (this is what you can expect side) to something much more raw and emotional than originally planned. I want to thank you all for your well wishes and hugs. This journey has been and continues to be the most painful and thought consuming process I have ever experienced. I must apologize to C for my last post, it was somewhat written in anger, frustration and annoyance.. the end result was that he came off cold and calus. In reading it in morning light with a cooler head I thought of editing it. but then I am reminded that I am chronicalling everything Mood swings bitchyness and all. It stays. C and I had the chance today to discuss the thought of counselling and getting help. which he is really encouraging me to do. The medication is not what he wants because he sees the bad side of these meds. I think he is being somewhat judgemental on the subject, but I have to agree that I don't want to take a medication if I can avoid it. I called the naturopath tonight and she is working on something for me for the depression. I have also decided to look up my local IAAC chapter and look for some support this way. I am a little more optimistic. C has been taking at least half the dose of his suppliments and I see a huge improvement already. I hope that his next tests are all clear. On the mom front - She had her surgeon appointment today where the Dr. explained that she has Invasive Ductile Carcinoma , the most common form of breast cancer. The cure rate is high and she is going in on Friday for a lumpectomy. The Dr. thinks that the lumps are close enough together to take a section of the breast as oppposed to a mastectomy. My mom is relieved. As per her age as well she will most likely not be having chemotherapy, but instead will be having radiation. She won't know what stage her cancer is at until after the lumps are removed and then alayzed. She will also have a lymphectomy from her underarm area as well. After the appointment today my mom celebrated her small victory with a few beers. Now this is the entertaining moment, my mother sitting accross the table from C while he cheers her on to chug-a-lug .. There is no trailer... I swear.

IF is just not fair..

It would seem that my downward spiraling trend continues today. I managed to gather the strength to go to work. This was my mistake, I was greeted by a wall of pregnant women, all drawn to me like a moth to flame.. each one of them edging ever closer and closer to me. 5 coworkers all happily pregnant and buzzing with progesteron giggling and munching around me. Talking baby talk and laughing at feeling their babies move inside them. I ached. My heart sank with every uncomfortable smile directed my way. God do I long to be that happy, carrying a reflection of C and I, a life, a future. I felt my knees weaken and my stomach turn to knots. My eyes would well up with salty tears and I would choke on my words to try and stop the enevitable flow. I would excuse myself and wash up in the bathroom, somehow suck in my emotions and make it through the next ten minutes before the pain would swell from within again. I am at a loss. I want to reach out and get help for my depression, I want to see someone who maybe understands and can help, I am considering seeing a therapist , but C thinks that by getting medication I am some sort of weakling that he does not want to be with. The adoption non option. My mom and I fought when I spoke to her tonight. She thinks we should start paperwork for adoption. Neither C or I are open to adoption, it works for some, and if this is something that someone else wishes to pursue than it is great for them. But not for us, for our own reasons. The donor - I asked C if he would consider donors if the tests came back infavourable, he point blank said NO, NO DONORS. Here is where I sit. Alone. Lonely. My youth and innocence wasted on fears, worry. ALWAYS WAITING Waiting for appointements, tests, results, for life to begin. Begging for this nightmare to end.

Thank You

My mom wished me to post this for you all to read. These are her words and not mine. She is so greatful for all of your support and love. Thank you, for keeping her in your prayers. I want to thank each and everyone of you who took the time to send me such inspiring and kind words , it has meant the world to me I have taken the liberty of printing your beautiful writings and as I pass through this hell of a journey I will hold very dear to my heart your kindness to me and to the most precious person to me my darling selfless daughter. Having been where all of you have been regarding infertility I share your pain and anguish as Tracey mentioned I waited eleven years for my little angel , and I know in my heart that all of you will become mothers at different times and maybe different circumstances . I have made a vow that I will not leave this earth before Tracey has a beautiful baby in her arms to hold and love. Please encourage her to keep up her strength through all of this. I believe that you women are the reason the universe is a better place to live in and never give up your dreams I know they will come to you . Love Tracey's Mom ( Rena ) - rena

Request

My mom goes on Monday to the oncologist to see what stage her cancer is at. So far they found 2 lumps. Ladies forgive me as my mother is the only blood relative I have, and this is very painful for me because it is she who gives me such strength and hope to continue this ttc journey everyday. She wants a grandchild to love so much, and she swears she will not rest until we have a little one to love. Please pray for good news for her, she is so strong and giving. She is an infertility survivor herself and has always been interested in hearing your stories, when she is here she reads the posts with me and cheers you all on too. Please return her that cheer. Some Canadian Facts Breast cancer is the most common cancer among Canadian women. In 2006, an estimated 22,300 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 5,300 will die of it. An estimated 160 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 45 will die of it. On average, 429 Canadian women will be diagnosed with breast cancer every week. On average, 102 Canadian women will die of breast cancer every week. One in 9 women is expected to develop breast cancer during her lifetime. One in 27 will die of it. Since 1994, death rates for breast cancer have been declining steadily. - Canadian Cancer Society

Malignant

malignant(ma-LIG-nant)Cancerous; a growth that tends to spread into nearby normal tissue and travel to other parts of the body. My mother has Cancer.

7 Million!

Oh shit I almost fell right out of the chair. How the fuck can C's SA go from 37 million to 7 million in the span of 1 year? Everything up to that moment sounded great, My PCOS had been downgraded to mild, my anitibodies were elevated but I tested negative for anti-phospholipid antibodies and elevated NKC. The little bit of scar tissue she found was removed in the sonohystereogram she preformed and my uterus anatomy was normal. Just as I thought that we might actually be moving forward and toward an August IVF date the other shoe dropped. The rest of the appointment was a blur - genetic testing for cystic fibrosis, hormone level bloodwork for C, DNA fragmentation for C and another dreaded SA. A suppliment suggestion and she even gave him some samples (enough for 4 days) (thank god for T and her stash). We have to return in 2 months and I never even remembered when the appointment is, I left C to book it all, I was just in a haze of fog and utter disbelief. I cried all the way home, the thought of pushing back the dates yet again just set another dig of disapointment our way. C is upset he got very angry with me in the car on the way home, the pendulum has shifted, for years it was ME that was the cause, me that had to change my habits, my lifestyle, my body, my thinking, personality, I was the reason for our infertility.. I sat in the car and had to choke back the words (I told you so), like a 3 year old would, if only he would listen when I said please wear boxers, don't sit in a hot tub, stop drinking 5 cups of coffee, watch the rye, hot pj's, pants, jeans, etc etc, take your vitamins, .. but being on the receiving end of that for so long, had I said those words, would make me a hypocrite. Mom called when we had almost reached the front door to put life back into perspective for us, and tell me that her biopsy results were in and that her appointment was at 4, I am just not sure how ready I am to hear these results either.

Whats in the water?

I was not prepared. I don't know why, I should always be.. I mean where I work its a gaurantee that I will see someone pregnant during the day. But I wasn't ready to see 3 co-workers suddenly in maternity clothing all at once. Our uniforms do a good job at hiding these things, then suddenly women remove their duty belts and untuck their shirts and the whole world knows. I wanted to die. I am beginning to hear the "whats in the water here?" comments again (re: 11 coworkers pregnant at once last year saga) I want to shout "I drink the same fucking water! I sit in the same fucking chairs! and NOTHING NADA! FUCK DAMMIT!". So this is the total count... 7 coworkers currently seen at least 50% of my days of work, 4 pregnant neighbours, and 2 pregnant friends. (Not to mention all the regular blogs, buddy groups and such are all pregnant/parents/or drifted to a halt) I think I will be seriously considering medicating now. I have returned to the homeopath. She is starting me up aggressively again, because as usual I fucked up and now my body is all out of whack again (stress? Depression? anger? grief?). I am back to bleeding constantly so I hope that the double doses of iron really clear this up soon.

Anniversary

The day had come, like any other day in this fucking horrid nightmare of infertility. The bitch came to celebrate with me too, like she felt the need to be the special guest at my pity party. How fitting, she has shown up on Christmas day for the past 2 years, why not enjoy this anniversary too. On Friday I celebrated 4 years of infertilty. In 4 years she has come to visit 50 times and she has overstayed her welcome. C has accepted that she is here to stay, but I can't let go of the dream that one day she will fuck off and not come back for almost a year. I could do with the break. Fucking Aunt Flo. Today I sat and watched the dirtiest pregnant women walk by me, I wanted the floor to swallow me whole. Bitches. Yup, after 4 years, I am officially bitter.