One Dozen + Four

16 eggs. I am doped up and out of it, but their out. Its all up to the big guys now. I won't see our embies until Thursday when two will return home... hopefully to nest for 9 months.

Baby on Brain

C is laughing at me yet again. So far this week I have managed to leave my wallet at my moms, forgot I had food in the oven, left the door open, and now I just left my keys at the photographers. C thinks its funny and says its just baby on brain when I do this. He is trying to tell me that women go dumb and forgetful when hormones in their body are so out of whack as it is in pregnancy and say IVF. I would have protested more if I could have had a decent rebuttal for the argument. Alas I came up with nothing a blank.. silence.. C looks at me "Would you rather I just say your stupid?" ..... "I am not.. I have baby on brain"

Surreal

My ovaries a little distended and somewhat tender (ok very tender) We have confirmation, tomorrow is my last bloodwork and ultrasound and tomorrow night is trigger time.. We arein for retrieval for Saturday. Wouldn't you know we ended up with the other Dr. from the clinic anyhow.. funny how that works out. I also start my array of antibiotics as well in the morning. Ohh I will cherish Friday morning, because it will be my day off from all of this, I can sleep in late and relax.. not that I haven't perfected that in the past few days.. but the early morning alarm surely ruins most "relaxation" that happens to occur. Chas been on nights so I was alone for today and tomorrows scans.. though he text msgd me as soon as he could to ask how things were progressing, in a way, it was he was right there in the room with me. He has really turned out to be a great partner in this.

The Couple that Shoots Up Together, Stays Together

I had C do all my injections asides from the Puregon pen tonight. Secretly I think he enjoyed stabbing me with sharp objects. He as always is very maticulous and accurate. He is involved in the process now and I am not sure but I think he wants to be. I am not pushing him or asking him to do this or that or hear endless thoughts on maturing eggs and hormones as such. I don't even think he knows what he shot me with.. Later he asked me if I was getting another scan tomorrow morning, I say yes and he is suddenly interested in coming with me again.. until the alarm sounds at 5 that is. This is the first time he has ever seemed excited about something related to ttc.. all other times he has been really reserved and left the responsibility to me. I won't deny it, I am enjoying every moment of it, if he could take all the info for me and I didn't need to know anything it would be great... but I don't think he is THAT excited.

Its Hard Not To.

OK I will admit it, I am always preaching and moaning that I am indeed a bitter and scorned pessimistic bitch but today when C and I were in the ultrasound room and I caught a glimps of his face genuinely interested in my big fat follie filled ovary on the screen while I get violated by a not so gentle technician, I saw hope. For a moment I actually thought that this might have a chance of actually working. I have been trying to snap myself out of it ever since. Common sense Tracey.. trust me I am still bitter and skeptical but every now and then this flicker of just maybe comes across my mind. My projected ER date is Saturday. I am now up to 3 shots a day, luckily my puregon dose has dropped a hundred units since I started stimming only a few days ago. But I am now sticking myself with the supressor and the LH (I will never get this suppress your own hormones to inject fake ones.. I know mine are faulty, but still) Current Needle Poke Count after todays injections is 13. The bruises in my arms from the bloodwork are starting to look like serious track marks.

Your Starting to Show

Yes, My stimming bump has accentuated my already lumpy front.. wonderful.. I am having a few issues buttoning up jeans and such and have resorted to my bigger clothes while I wait,. I am afraid I have been overstimmed, tomorrows ultrasound will tell the tale. I am now down to 150iu of FSH and now am on Orlagutran to stop the LH surge. I am getting tired more easily but I really am enjoying the time off still. I took the dogs down by the water for a walk yesterday and took a few pictures, these grey skies have dominated my time off this whole week and I am dying to see some sun to show off the colours as the leafs change.








I can't wait for one thing and that is my photography class. It begins on Tuesday, which I am completely stoked for. I hope that I am concious enough for it.

I am sharing my Hope in other ways

I bond too easily with people. Some of my new supersticions is not joining any IVF groups for fear of being the last man standing (I had done this previously with an IUI group and a general 2ww group and been the odd man out before) I am not doing that again. I am trying to limit my contact with others in the clinic, I am sharing my hope in other ways... a smile, a friendly joke, but I am trying not to invest in anyone.. the minute I start caring I am afraid I will be be odd man out again. CD 5 Needle Poke Count 7

Play Dumb

I have decided to play dumb. Ignorance is bliss and the more I *know* the more I am going to stress. Day 4 bloodwork E2 levels were the same as Day 3, so the nurse asked me if I injected myself yet, uhm *yes* I distinctly remember poking myself with a needle last night. I wanted to scream into the phone.. DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING, I DON"T WANT TO KNOW.. you all are supposed to be the professionals.. not me. Tonight I injected myself again with 225iu puregon.. tonights selection a little floyd and comfortably numb (How cliche) C is sick with a cold, I don't want to catch but I hope he gets better soon. AF is still hanging out too, she is always a blast to have around now. Ugh, I know its only Day 4, I am already complaining. Sick and sad of me.

Injection Junkie

CD 3 Needle Poke Count 3, Tonight was my first injection in over a year. I had forgotten how involved a process it really was to sit there and stick myself with a pen needle.. washing up laying out everything on a clean towel, setting up the cartriges and so on. The pamphletes say to set some mood music so I lit a few candles and slid in The Panic Channel, I figure Navarro can sooth me into getting a needle in my belly with his guitar while Steve Issacs sings "Bloody Mary". Nice I was just sitting there thinking wow, this would be somewhat fitting had I been sticking myself with something a little stronger than hormones. I managed the injection without a hilt, like a person who picks up a cigarette after years of quitting, the actions are habitual and require little thought. It was over before I could really think about it. It only took a few hours before the weeping began, gushing with the I love you and everyone else side effects. Brushed back to reality by the alarm clock at 5am.

CD 2 Needle Poke Count 1

OK so I totally forgot how much I HATE the fucking pill. I was a nasty son of a bitch this time when it came to PMS. Holy cow I had no idea who this person was, but jesus watch out if you got in my way. Ok so Day one was Monday (Sunday was one of those yucky OMG I have cramps to die with and heavy spotting). Tuesday I got up at the crack of 5 (This should be illegal on vacation- but this really isn't vacation is it) and dragged my tired butt through the shitty morning commuter traffic [side note : how the hell do you 9 - 5 ers do this everyday? I completely understand road rage at this point, I will keep my sheltered shift work life] . I pick up a coffee (yeah I know your not supposed to have caffeine - kiss my ass - I had to get up at 5am and somehow have the wits to drive an hour to this appointment) I firgure since I have to have a full bladder for this ultrasound that I can start drinking about halfway down and get there with a full enough bladder to get this over with. I have a back up of 2 bottled water too. 1 large Timmys coffee and 1 bottled water later I am sitting in the waiting room of the clinic with a number in my hand. The air conditioning that is being pumped at my back has sent my kidneys into overdrive and my back teeth are beginning to float. Pain is swelling in my abdomen and I fear that any quick movement may result in me standing amungst a huge puddle of coffee induced pee. I scan the number of women that are to be before me... 1 ... 2... 3.... 4...5...6... Holy shit.. I am 7, one by one they file into get their blood drawn, just my luck the lady before me wants to chat about everything for a few minutes with the lab tech.. "hellloooooooo, I am about to piss myself I want to chime in".. Finally I get in, I can barely sit because the pressure in my belly is soo intense I want to cry. I get through the needle poke without a leak and set myself back in a line for the U/S I dance, I strain.. I have to let a little out, so I head to the bathroom and relieve myself a little, yay less pressure. The coordinator calls me in to get me to pay for my u/s and stuff $850.00 I can barely sign because the pressure has rebuilt by now and I am thinking one thing.. urinate... some nurse has a waterfall picture on her screensaver, I thought you cruel bitch.. all I needed to hear was one of those zen waterfall things and I would be a mess. Finally I get my name called.. its been so long and the pressure is so great that I take a few long seconds to register that my name is indeed being called. Finally relief overcomes me as I rush to the washroom and empty my bladder, I never savoured a pee soo much. Later I get the call saying that my progesterone was 7 and too high to begin stimming so I would have to retest for day 3.. Oh Yay