Message to the Chosen Ones, and those still trying.

Let me first say this as to not harm anyones feelings. I love you all and am Happy for your pregnancy. I know that for some of you it was much easier than others. And vice versa, I am glad you have gotten your wish. I wish you a Happy, Healthy, 9 months, and a Beautiful, Wonderful Miracle afterwards. Now if you are truely a supportive friend, fuck off. Please don't ask me to go out Maternity Clothes shopping with you, don't show me your belly, complain about morning sickness, or how you just can't wait for this to be over with.. Don't take pictures of your belly and email them to me, tell me about every twinge pain or fart, like you have been the only pregnant woman in the world. Most of all don't get pissed at me for not wanting to be anywhere near you. I am trying to preserve my own sanity and self control. Why is it that my pregnant friends feel obliged to show me their belly or tell me about every twist, turn and dry heave? Why do they want me to watch their baby move inside them, why do they want me to watch ultrasound videos, or listen to 150 names they have picked out in case it is one or the other sex. Why are they subjecting me to stare at the bedding, curtains, crib style, and all the other baby paraphenilia they have listed on their registry. Why is it that everytime I turn around, someone reminds me of my infertility?

The waiting game...

I hate the beginning of my cycles. I hate them because although I am interacting with my body and I feel as though I am playing somewhat a role in TTC, I hate waiting. There can be a great deal of stress in the beginning, between menses and the elusive follie break out. Suddenly I find myself becomming a demanding sex addict, requiring my DH to deliver the population paste as many times as possible. I can't seem to be satisfied.. and I know I have read all the fertility books, sites, and listened to doctors carry on about once every other day is good, and not too much, that is bad too.. but I can't help but feel disaproval from my DH every once and a while for my sex demand. ( I am glad he really is very patient and willing to assist in this regard) All of my friends laugh when I tell them that I am booking an hour here, or I have to get home ASAP since I "got the green light" I imagine them picturing me waving a thermometer in my hand yelling "honey its time!!!!! Preggo my Eggo!".. Don't I wish that our bodies were that precise? Sometimes the green light seems to be over too fast, and I fear that we never caught the chance. Others I feel as though it lasts forever, and we are too tired by the time it actually happens. This week has been Hell on Earth. I have been just too damn tired to even care. I was working afternoon shift and not getting home until 1am each night, only to wake up at 6am and go for my routine stick and suck. I was relieved today when the nurse read my follie size that they are still on the small side and need quite a bit longer to develop. With my DH on nights this week, it shall be another interesting TTC adventure.......

Human Pincushion

Today was the first day in all my 26 years that I ever had to deliberatley stick myself with a sharp object. How often does one get to write that sentence. I now have something in common with the street junkies I arrest in my day job... track marks... (which is just a whole other blog) Good thing I will never fit into a bikini, to show these wonderful marks off, frankly its against the law at my size, if its not it should be (I can admit this). I think now is the time I am realising how fortuneate I am to have a husband in medicine.. he was totally a great coach.. We held the needle together before injecting it into my fatty navel. Now I believe he really feels as though he is truely a piece of this journey. I mean before this I would keep secret when the egg was about to drop, so that I wouldn't be pressuring him into performance anxiety. But now he asks questions, and reminds me why we began down this path. I also see him get upset more easily about kids, and parents, I think that it is starting to affect him more than it has in the past.. He asks why it appears that the scrotes of the world can procreate like bunnies, and we can't even get one day of joy, even if it doesn't last, just to know that we can. He asks how I am feeling about all the tests and what they are doing to me. He is interested in the results of each test. His job is to help people who need help, in the most desperate of times he is there to save you... but he can't help us, he can't make me ovulate, he can't make all of our pain go away. I think he is struggling because he is helpless. I caught him watching empty arms,(http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod.html) a site put up by a couple with their own struggle of infertility, last night, and he was shaken. He told me that sometimes we just have to cry.... He is right.. sometimes we do..........

Not everything is about TTC...

Although sometimes I find that TTC consumes my every thought and being for days on end, most times I try not to let it get that way. Somedays its harder than others, particularly in the 2ww (the 2 weeks after ovulation and before AF) when every cramp twinge or fart could be an early pg symptom. Or there are friends who know and are thinking they are being supportive by giving you their own advice on conceiving. "BD everyday from CD 8 to 18 and you will get pregnant" ... uhm some women like myself ovulate a lot later than that so that method really doesn't work that well... "Get kinky","Take a vacation" uhm yes have you SEEN my Medication Bill??? Where do you think I can afford my vacation? I can't even afford denny's early bird special. "you could lose a few pounds, that might work" Yes and who will be my personal trainer.... And frankly you are bigger than I and got pg.. So did it work for you?.. , "begin adoption papers, that seems to work well', "do this position," "do that" "Don't do that" and my absoloute favourite "Relax.... If you DON'T THINK ABOUT IT it will happen".....Don't think about it? Then don't talk to me about it jackass! I have relaxed, I passed relaxed probably a year ago and now I am into complete psychosis. So I try to head the many jackass [ no disrespect, but if it took you less than 6 months to conceive any child, Fuck off on the advice column. If you are in this category and give me advice you will be labeled jackass, but in the nicest sense, honest ] advice in my life and I eat right, I don't exercise as much as I should, and sometimes I even relax and not think / obsess about it. Today I enjoyed the company of husband and dog lazily making it through the day. We decided to put everything on slow mode for a few days and take it one day at a time. I bought a new car, and am really looking forward to getting it next week, and I am trying to take my mind off ttc, and onto remembering how to drive a stick shift...

The Pledge...

Must be noted again for future reference. This is the pledge I had given myself for the 2ww.. I figured since some are coming into it, I would repost for POAS addicts

1. I _________________ will not test until I have 18 temperatures above the coverline, OR I have high temperatures Charted and it is the date that FF suggests a test .. -I swear I will not P on ANY stick (including popscicle sticks), that may or may not indicate pregnancy, ovulation, or diagnose rare diseases just to satisfy my POAS urge (ie - "POAS to diagnose Heart Disease, Diabetes, MJ Uuse etc etc")(list not inclusive).
2. -I will not frequent peeonastick.com or other testing comparison sites, so that I can look at positive tests just to "curb the urge"
3. - I will not illicit any assistance from pharmacies, or other supply outlets of poas equipment or paraphenilia.
4. - I will not attend any place of business, Including online stores, that merchant in such poas equipment or paraphenilia, without an escort, or assurance via only enough cash to purchase what I required (debit, credit, points cards, gift cards, etc must be left inaccessable)
5. - I will not drive my husband to insanity, discussing every little pain, twinge or fart as an early pregnancy symptom, nor will I drive myself insane continually thinking about every pain twinge or fart making it out to be an early pregnancy symptom.
6. - I will not look at my Doctor with puppy dog eyes to seduce him/her into giving me any blood test, other than a progesterone test, if he/she wants it. I will not request, or change/edit/alter any requisition forms to read "beta" before the above stated testing date.
7. - I agree to the removal of any such testing equipment including but not limited to: pee cups, flashlights, high tech scanner devices, digital camera equipment, etc.
8. -FMU will always be flushed down the appropriate vesicle, and not saved for later testing or comparison results.
9. - I have fully read my pledge and agree to the terms and conditions lined out within. Signed ___________________ at ______________________ the date of _________________________________.

Stick and Suck..

Whew what a day. Honestly I thought it would never come to a close. This morning the alarm broke out in song at 6am, which even our Dear Bryan dog was not willing to leave the comforts of bed at this ungodly hour. I managed to wash up and get semi dressed.. trying to find the courage of the unknown that was about to reveal itself before me... When you and your partner finally come to a realisation that this whole TTC thing really isn't all shyts and giggles. There comes a time when you have to look at other options. As a couple you have to make this decision fully and completely together, you both have to support the idea of even considering such an invasive task. I mean lets face it, its one thing to tell the doctors you are having sex 3 times a week, its another to have your doctor tell you if its OK to even have sex, and on what day you will be having sex. I am very fortuneate that I have such a wonderful support system in place with my husband and the many brave and strong women that have gone before me in their own journey. It is their strength which gave me the assurance that this was the right thing for us to do at this time. To those ladies, my mom and my loving husband I thank you. I opened the office door that I had walked in many times as a patient of the doctor, but this time it felt different. I wasn't here to see the doctor, we weren't going to review my charts, we weren't taking my temperature, nor were chit chatting about what directiong we MIGHT go in a few cycles from now. I was in to the other half of the office, the fertility clinic. This time was going to be different.. I have nicknamed these wonderful monitoring precedures as the stick and suck... one because the nurse stick you with needles to retrieve any blood out of any little vein she can fish in and find, secondly because they stick what appears to be a dildo cam up your woohoo and RAM it up your woohooo, pushing, prodding and plottng out your ovaries. And I say suck because they suck every last penny out of your bank account to preform such procedures to you. When I walked in and signed my name in like I was told to do during our $100 information session. I sat down and not even 5 minutes went by before I was called in I did my blood work and was given my HUGE [note my sarcasm] vial of drugs for 6 whole days... I began to write the cheque, total cost $770.00 for 6 days worth of medication... Yes hello Nurse can you get off my back, your crushing my smokes.. Holy shit.. Ok no panick I haven't quite woken up yet. ok over to the hospital.. for my full bladder swishing and sloshing with me to get my full pelvic, oh I was hoping they would be quick to call me, I was beginning to feel like ol faithful... push and poke and pull and stretch, my bladder was doing backflips during the u/s.. finally I got the go ahead to completely empty my bladder for the next u/s.. the trans vaginal during my period. Now here was a wonderful thing, at least I was permitted to insert the offending object on my own.. now I felt jipped, aren't these things supposed to vibrate at least? Hey Nurse, are you all in there at once? yeesh... All in all I was more upheaved about the money I just spent and I did drive home at 80mph like Marie does with an HPT when AF is a millisecond overdue. (Remember the pledge...LOL)..just to submit the claim to my insurance company. I got the call this afternoon, that my tests came back this afternoon as all good to go, andI start the pincushion routine on Wednesday.

So I finally Decided to Blog my thoughts..........

I mean no disrespect when I begin to say this to my friends. But since I seem to be constantly repeating my coversations over and over again about our painstaking quest for a child. I have instead decided to put my thoughts down, and then maybe one day whenI am huge and pregnant with sextuplits then I will look back at these experiences and laugh. I guess there really is no place to start, but frankly at the beginning. I got Married in July 2002, Just turned 24 by three days, and we decided that we were going off BCP's, well that was about as fun as snowshoeing with table tennis rackets... I had a period ALL the time, I think in four months I had one day of rest from the old hag (Aunt Flo). I took my husband with me to the docs and surprise we finally got a referral to another doctor, this doctor ran some tests and in Oct 2002 I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) Ok.. never heard of it before I thought. The doc gave me a website to look up and said alot of women have it, we just can't really do much for it. Well I checked out that web site and it sounded as though I had just been sentenced to life wthout any chance of conception. After crying for months, I finally read a book about it and insisted I be referred to one of the doctors listed in the book. A year after my diagnosis, I finally saw that doc. I guess we were like most couples just starting out when we had begun TTC... We were callow and green and thought that making babies was all about making love, and that somehow we had so much say over the whole thing. That we would just decide that this would be the month we would get pregnant, and we would! I mean isn't that what happens in the movies? In May 2004 we began to regulate my cycles with diet and it actually did work... somewhat. November of 2004 we tried clomid, then metformin and clomid. Now Here we are the beginning of April 2005, in the past few short months, we have learned more than we should have ever learned about our bodies and our emotions. We have had allergic reactions to specific moisture products, we have learned that real eggwhites need to be room temperature before using them in conception. We have had our dog interrupt us, stress to get home on time to make time before the other goes to work. We have been poked, prodded, scanned and scrutinized. We have learned alot about conception, the birds and bees, hormones, ovulation, opks, hpts, fmu,bbt,fsh,hcg,lh,estrogen,progesteron,luteal,follicle,temperatures, baths, coffee, smokes, wine, etc etc etc. But most of all We have learned alot about us. We have now decided to move on and take the next step. This seems to me to be more invasive than I had ever imagined. My cycle wll be fully monitored, I will do blood work and Ultrasounds early almost every morning (so If I am extra grumpy, excuse me). I am rather nervous about this next step. I am not sure if this is our answer... but I am wiling to give it a try. Somedays I am not sure if I wish I was back to being raw and green (like spinach).