Or not....

He came home late last night.I honestly think that this work partner of his is a bad combo for him and that he doesn't like me so he is trying to influence C. He seems to stir shit all the time, and because C grew up without a father I think he is really subsceptable to male influence (from all of my past experience with him) this however is NO EXCUSE. I talkded to him and I honestly think that this was a runaway moment because everything was coming to a head so to speak. I told him the door was there and he was free to leave if he wanted to go, but he ended up cooling down and today he is completely back to normal.Looks like it was just one of those super nasty marriage fights. He never stopped taking his suppliments or stopped sex either so there was no warning for this bullshit. Fuck and wouldn't I get a positive OPK today our anniversary is tomorrow when I should . I also have tonnes and tonnes of EWCM which is very unusual for me.. FUCKING FIGURES!! I am not holding my breath but he is indicating make up sex.. and after this past episode, he owes large.

Its Over

C came home and told me he doesn't want to be married anymore. He left. I am sitting here collecting what little pieces I have off the floor. I am in shock. On Friday I had said to my mom that C and I were the closest we have ever been and I couldn't wait to celebrate our 4th anniversary. Needless to say I won't be ttc-ing. I am devastated.

The Call

I can't believe I am typing this. I heard from my father. He sounds different. Older, quieter, humbler. I am a little skeptical, but I have right to be. My mom had read my post Letting Go and dug out an old work number for him. She asked him to move on and call me. I got the call this morning, I am glad I wrote the post and let go of all that anger inside me. I would not have been able to keep composure otherwise. What I realised is that I do really forgive him. I know that years cannot be swept beneath rugs, I know there will always be a cloak of mystery. I was surprised at how glad I was to hear from him. I thought I might be bitter, but I wasn't. I craved the attention from him. He is in remission from kidney cancer. But what I realised too, is that he hurts as much as I do, that he didn't forget about me. Hearing from him turned out to be the best birthday gift.

28

To Quote Lauren Weisberger The Devil Wears Prada Dedicated to my mother - The mom a million girls would die for. Oh god, the day has arrived, July 17, 2006.. Today I turn 28. I can begin to see it, I no longer look like I just graduated highschool, and this past year I was not carded ONCE! Life has begun to unravel. I have replaced my bonne belle chocolate sundae flavoured lip gloss for a matte chanel in sandal. Ugh, I look at my face, time, stress, and the lack of sunscreen have already taken their toll. It has been several years since I had actually been excited to celebrate another year passing, I used to be awoken by my mother who had usually prepared me a wonderful "breakfast brunch" with lobster claws and baked goodies, cheese and fruits, she usually had a fancy balloon and a teddy bear of some sort to greet me at the outdoor table. We would sit and chat, mom would repeat the story of my birth and all the firsts I had growing up, we would have a wonderful dinner at some fancy restaurant followed by a musical show. As I got older I would generally celebrate with a few friends over dinner and cocktails, On my 18 birthday I remember packing up the car at 3am and driving to Montreal for the weekend with my best friend Tanya to celebrate, there are details of that night that are still rather sketchy to the both of us, but what we remember we could pretty much patch work that we were feeling good when we hit the first bar, something about a dance contest we won a bottle of champagne and having to crawl across Crescent street to our hotel at the end of the night. For my 24th birthday I spent it with my fiance, bridesmaids and groomsmen getting sloshed and doing the rehearsal for my wedding which was 3 days later. My 24th birthday was my demise, soon after I began the chin hair pluck and super tight ponytail to lift the features in my sagging face. I think I am having my mid life crisis early. On a trip to the mall this weekend I felt old and discarded, all these women much younger than I pushing strollers and looking fresh and content. Me, haggard and exhausted, 60 lbs heavier than I was 4 years ago from all of the fertility bullshit. The bitterness shows on my aging face I think as I look in the mirror. Not that having a child would have changed the southbound features, but maybe it might have slowed its pace I reason. 28, the number doesn't roll off my tongue as easily as the smaller numbers did. I pick up "In Touch magazine only to read that being pregnant is the new In thing to do [Not that I wasn't warned I mean the cover does say in bold "BumpWatch"], wow and I thought it was still the sex tape that was the hottest thing. I curse the beautiful women in the pages with huge baby bellies wondering if they really want the child, or is this just another TomKat, Brangelina publicity stunt. I flip the next page and there is J-Lo, Jenn Aniston and Nicol Kidman sporting a super small "I ate a big lunch bump" and the tabloids have all deemed them secretly pregnant.. for these women I hope they are, even J-Lo whom I normally detest, I think that she could do with a baby to love more than herself. "Love Brings Happiness- Cancer - Happy Birthday (Who are they kidding) Events planned by friends and family make for an excitement-packed week. When it comes to your romantic future, get ready for a big change in a very positive way. Lucky Day Friday".. hmm whats going on Friday I think.. Thursday is our Anniversary.. then a date catches my eye on the page. "Forecast for July 10 - 16" oh so my lucky day was last Friday and I missed it. What was lucky for me on Friday I wonder? I picked up Mom and went to whole foods for groceries, Nope I am sure I remember paying the $300.00 bill so that wasn't very lucky. Mom and I went to the Keg for dinner I ordered a half lobster and steak dinner only to crack open my lobster and find it raw.. so was my luck that I did not eat the raw shellfish and get violently ill? or that my meal was free (What little I ate of it, since I sent it back to the kitchen and declined a fresh apparently cooked plate) . That was the extent of my lucky Friday. Now that I think about it, it was lucky for me, I did not receive one piece of bad news that day, nothing fell apart and I didn't get smacked with anything more unusual than normal. Oh Lucky Day! Fuck New Years Resoloutions I never make any new Years resoloution, they always seem cliche (unlike making birthday resoloutions) You know, staring into the mirror at the age of 28 hormonal zits still enjoying the spotlight on my super fair skin I decide now is the time I should make changes. Here is my attempt. *Disclaimer* I reserve the right to deny any of these claims, resoloutions or pretent like I never made any of them at any time, even if they are staring me in the face and written in print on paper or by electronic means, overheard, said or spoken about at anytime without just cause or reason. - Drink at least 8 glasses of water a day - Eat organic whenever possible, -stop pumping my body with xenoestrogens, not that I know what xenoestrogens are but "Sky" the hippie that works at my local natural food store was telling me how toxic they are to my fertile soul. - Exercise, *TRY* yet again to lose this fertility treatment weight - Curb my trucker mouth that has perfected itself over the 8 years I have worked with mainly single men... hoping to cause the effect of being slightly more ladylike.

Letting Go

I have so much anger and toxicity in my body. I carry this weight around like heavy baggage. Strapped to me so much that it has become a part of who I am. I grew up with this hate, this pain, venom. Its so painful that I have never come to terms with it. I am not sure I will ever be "easy" over it. I feel that this evil I have trapped inside, this need for retribution that I carry with me weighing on my body and my heart is slowly defeating me. I have struggled with the word forgiveness for so long. I have tried to consider it, contact it and let the word fall off my tongue, but it just doesn't seem to come out. Besides it would be on deaf ears, the person that needs to hear it won't speak to me. Here is my attempt to let go, here is my story. My parents split when I was 6, My mother and I are obviously very close, I stayed with my mom as my father worked shift work and was rarely a part of our life as is. My brother stayed with my mom for a while but my dad had the cash for the toys and lets face it, boys love toys.. so off he went to be with his dirt bike and freedom (because Dad still wasn't there much). Eventually my Dad met another Woman, which is all nice, and they settled in together. My Dad would make plans to meet me on Friday after school to go to their house for the weekend. I used to get all excited, do my hair and pack my suitcase, sit on the front steps and wait for Dad. I would wait not wanting to move from the porch for hours thinking, if I left he might miss me or something. Mom would call me for dinner and I would decline saying I was supposed to have dinner with dad. The hours would tick by, he wouldn't show. He would sometimes show at around 11pm or call the next day, give some lame excuse that he had to work late or that he got called to the office. I would buy it and we would reschedule only to have the same thing happen... As years went by I went fewer and fewer times to see my dad. His new wife was never friendly with me, she would pretend to be nice while he was around, then scorn me when his back was turned. She would tell me I was fat, and useless. I hated her. I was forced into counselling, when the counsellor sided with me and said I was fine, the counsellor was a crock and useless too. Soon everytime I saw my father we fought. Years passed. I work at the same place, yet we never "see" eachother We barely spoke, I saw him for the last time 5 years ago. I was engaged to be married and I met him outside a coffee shop, I wanted to see if I could invite him to my wedding. When I started speaking with him, he soon began a rant of how evil me and my mother was and how I cost him all this money (because he ONLY spoke about money). I had decided to never see him again. I left, he left. We have never spoken since. In 2004 he was in a serious car accident, I reached out to make amends, but I was given the hyseman by his wife. He recovered, and is back to doing whatever he does. My Grandmother passed away in December, I did not even get a call to say she had gone. A family friend felt pity on me and informed me of her passing, just in time for the viewing. I went after everyone else had left and said my peace with her. I have unanswered questions. Living through this infertility nightmare, I could not imagine abandoning the one thing I worked soo hard to have. Wasn't I the child he and mom worked 11 years for? How could he just turn his back on me, forget me like I was some dirty little secret of his. I have spent many years fighting this inner turmoil, I have looked for inner peace and understanding, but always came up short. Even the thought of him stirs emotions and painful memories. C learned very early on in our courtship that tardiness is unacceptable, even a 10 minute lateness closes my airways and brings me to panic. Like a wave of emotion I feel as though I am back 24 years waiting for something that isn't coming. I hate that C works 2 jobs and I wish we spent more time together, and money well money will always be a challenge so there is no point in arguing over it. I am detoxing my body, and now I am detoxing my soul and searching deep within to find free myself of this hate, because lets face it. He is never going to know how I feel. The only person I am waging war with is myself. I am not going to ever right this wrong, so there is just no purpose to continue to hold this rage so close to me. I am doing what I should have done years ago. Forgive. I forgive you dad. I will need to work on the forget.

Test Results

We received the good news that C's Y deletion and CF carrier gene came back negative. Oh I was bracing myself for the worst, Now on August 16, he must return to the happy room and submit yet another sample. This one will be for DNA fragmentation, I pray for some good news here. I am sure he will be really please to hear this. Finally some positive news in this neverending nightmare. As a side note I want to thank Tracey (my DCM) for all of the work she has done to get my body in check. I was a disaster before, I mean really a disaster. I don't think I could have made it this far without her. She has been helping me for the past year, when we started I had a never ending AF, I was anovulatory and full of zits and anger. She has worked soo hard with me to regulate my cycles and get me ovulating on my own. She even understands that I needed to take breaks and scream for a while. She has put C on his own blend of herbs and they seem to be taking effect as he is no longer as tired as he used to be and he seems more ready willing and able, I really hope that this next SA comes back with better numbers.

Cycle 51

I had a post written, it was dark and honest, but the truth is, I need to pull out of this, and writing about it over and over isn't going to do that. I had another disapointing cycle. You would think after 50 cycles I would get used to it, but the truth is, it just seems to get harder. A lot harder. I lost my meds. I was slipping away to that super dark quiet place where I only sleep and cry and somehow breathe. I fell to pieces this morning and C just held me like he always does. I had to get back on those meds. I had to rush to the natural foods store to get some more homeopathy for my depression, I was served by a woman about to give birth in the aisle... not exactly what I needed, C took the lead when I couldn't find the words to thank her for practically laying down in the store to pull out the tablets I needed. These ones are not as potent as my former bottle, (which I later discovered I had washed in a pair of work pants.. ruined both the meds and the pants). This bottle states take 2 tabs every hour.. Within 2 hours of taking this the clouds have somewhat lifted and my fog is slightly behind me. Although I still don't have the energy to finish the dusting I was supposed to do, I will head to bed and hopefully wake with a better mind. Off to slog for cycle #51, I also called the clinic today to see if they got C's results for CF carrier and Y deletion. The receptionist did not call back to let me know the results (never a good sign), so tomorrow I will call again and hopefully hear what I need to hear.