Placenta Pill

You know, I just can't believe the support and strength that I pull from my fellow bloggers, journallers, and charting groups. Ladies, you are FUCKING AMAZING! Thank you. I wish I could thank each one of you individually for all you have done for me. I have been doing my homework, why? because I am obsessive compulsive and I hate housework, so I must channel my obsession elsewhere. LOL. I was rather dismayed that Dr.P would dismiss any thoughts of prescribing prednisone prior to ER to suppress my immune response, I had written a nasty letter outlining that this would be the only IVF that C and I would be doing as we just cannot afford it emotionally any more. If this fails, than, well great, life goes on. We live Child free, there will be no adoption, no surragocy, no further attempts (well maybe in 5 or 10 years when the technology has changed and furthered again) I must sit here and think in 10 years I will only be 38, and will probably still be able to physically do IVF again.. but this is an issue that I won't be exploring if this cycle fails for a very long time. Back to the Prednisone issue.. I did my research and with all of the side effects that prednisone comes with (leathery cardboard lungs, cardiac issues, opens infections, fucks up natural production of corticosteroids) the increase in success while using prednisone during IVF is only 1%. There is a chinese herb called tai-bao (human placenta pill) that shows much more promise at low doses of a 76% success rate (prednisone and placebo groups were 36% and 37% respectively) . As disgusting as it sounds, I am hunting down tai-bao now.

Holy Shit

Holy Shit. That is the only way I can describe this. I braced myself for the pain and disapointment of bad news, thinking this is it, she is going to tell us we have NO CHANCE even to be successful for IVF and to begin that whole life without children thing. I don't remember a whole lot of the appointment, when she asked what cycle day I was on and I replied 6, she seemed pleased. She then started telling me that she would prescribe me BCPs and that after taking 3 weeks of the BCPs that we could get started with the new cycle that follows. HOLY SHIT. Did I hear that right? We are going through with the IVF in 3 fucking weeks?? Uhm OK. I was stunned, am still very stunned. Our next appointment is with the nurse who will counsel us on the procedures to come, we have of course opted to choose a cycle with ICSI just because of C's count. My protocol will also include baby aspirin because of my elevated ANA levels. I can't believe we are actually going through with this now.

D Day Tomorrow

We have another follow up appointment with Dr. P. I have butterflies in my stomach at the thought. I am so afraid that C's Chromatin fragment will be high. I keep having this sinking feeling that this is the end of the road for us regarding children. I am trying to brace myself for the news. Slowly through the past few weeks and months I have been accepting our childless fate. We have decided that even if the chances are grim we will go through with the IVF on this really off chance it may work, and if it doesn't then we can say that we at least tried. I will need to put my foot down tomorrow though, if Dr. P wants to do more tests I think it will take all my strength to not leap across the desk and choke the bitch. 4 years of testing is enough and I have reached the end of my tolerance for vag cams, garden hose sized needles, pissing on sticks, Sleeping with thermometer in hand, reading saliva slides at 3am , jerking off C in bathroom stalls, or worse screwing in a bathroom stall only to 'spread em' 20 min later for the doc to see the leftovers (My personal fav). Honestly, the amount of paperwork the ministry of health has on C and I and our sexuality would absoloutely be as thick as a novel by now, Tests for HIV, STDs, Hepatitis, Rubella, Pneumonia, Mono, any 56 of the most communicable diseases including Ebola(thankfully that came back negative, apparently a possibility because of our jobs) anti phospholipid antibodies (say that 3 times fast), other antibodies (NK cells) came back slightly elevated, We are happy to note that neither C or I are Cystic Fibrosis carriers, nor do we posses any gene triggers for down syndrome, trisomy, even flipping colour blindness. Hormone tests, glucose tests. I think C and I have spent a little too much time in labs, when the receptionist knows you by first name and can pinmark the vein on your arm in record time, it really is time to stop.

We all make mistakes

I am starting this post off with a quick thank you to all of you who have sent me emails letting me know I am on your mind, it meant a great deal to me. I am sorry for not posting an update sooner, I just did not feel comfortable at the time to come back to this journal as my gut was uneasy and unrestful, as though telling me that things had not yet rested. I will begin with the disclaimer that I am guilty of this very thing I am about to say. I too have made this mistake. After our July almost quit, C and I have steadily been trying to work things out. I have been reading a lot, learning a lot and teaching myself how to deal with everything in a much more calm and reflective manor. I have been counting to 10 before responding in an argument and for the most part our house is peaceful. My nerves however never seemed to settle. I kept believing that something is and in fact was wrong. C was planning a race car trip with his friend and partner for a weekend and like the good little investigator I am I couldn't help but think that there was something wrong with this trip. My gut churned and choked at the thought of this weekend away. I don't trust my husbands friend and partner, I hate that they work 12 hour shifts together day in and day out, Then his partner calls the house or his cell on his day off and takes our time together. I started digging, soon I found what I was not sure I was ready to find, but looking back I am lucky to have found out before the date of the trip rather than after. C and his partner were seeking some female companionship for their race weekend. I was angry, not at the flirting with other women (because when I strip it down that is what it is), but the blame that was put on me for the past month as to why C had suddenly had this "need to be single" mindset. I was also angry because I said I was uncomfortable with the weekend away and yet the disrespect I received when I voiced my concern. I was down right MAD, he made me think I was crazyk, and he made me bring my work home. I called C at work when I found the evidence regarding the weekends activities and C decided for the first time in his career that he needed to come home from work early. C told me when he got home that he was not going away for this weekend. After much discussion we have come to these conclusions; We love eachother. That is foremost the most important thing for us to remember. No one is walking out that door or on this marriage. We have promised to challenge each other as we used to. After 4 years of marriage and infertility we fell into a cyclical pattern that brought our sex life to a mundane missionary halt. It may have taken me 4 years and almost cost me the one thing that meant the most in my life, but I have come to the understanding that indeed we will not have a child the natural way, and I must let that go. Four years of the same position every other day no romance no spark, no real energy to try, put me, c and our marriage to sleep and in ultimate jeopardy. C and I have spent the past week really diving deep into our relationship and rediscovering eachother. We are closer than we have ever been. I am now very aware of the work that needs to continue to keep our marriage strong and healthy. I am writing this entry to remind me that this process will be ongoing and this entry will serve as a reminder to never fall asleep on my vows again. If you take nothing from my post other than this small message, do not fall asleep on your marriage. Do not get comfortable, and never take eachother for granted. Ask what your partner wishes of you and be open minded to hear their response. Appreciate them and anything they do and tell them you appreciate them. On a side note; I am going to leave with this dilemma, and maybe I am a coward for not bringing this to her attention, let me know what you would do, I am curious. I decided not to tell C's partners wife about the extra curricular activities the boys had planned. I know it goes against girl code, but the truth is that I would rather have absoloutely nothing to do with this family ever again after the Bullshit this asshole has caused with C and I. I would feel differently had I found this after their weekend away. But at this time C has agreed to not socialize with this partner as well he will be returning to his old position in September...